okaydokey

Well...it's the day after Christmas. This year things were really good. Christmas was pretty good with the family. No fighting. My mom and I kinda spoke not really...but we didn't totally ignore each other. I got some cute things. I got some money and some gift cards which are almost gone. But things went well. We're still waiting to hear about the apartment. They're waiting for job clarification for Jason and that's it. We could alreayd be moved in right now if it weren't taking forever. We're hoping to get the keys today and do a little moving. But I'm not seeing that happening right now. It's almost 2 and I have to be back at work tonight at 8. Val-Val doesn't get off work till 3..but it does us no good if we have no keys. Tomorrow we're both off...but I have to go to the vet to put my dog down. Maybe I can con Val-Val into going with me for support. It's gonna be hard....she's like 16. But she can barely walk... she still plays every once in awhile but she just can't get around like she used to. My aunt told me that I could have her dog collar and I'm going to hang it from my mirror in my car so that I can always be reminded of her when I look at it. It's gonna be tough...I was supossed to work tomorrow but I told work about my dog and I got the day off. I don't really wanna go into work after doing that and I would rather try to move to when I'm that upset because I can hopefully put that anger towards some good use and more stuff done. I'm going to miss her so much. Another reason why I wanna go there tomorrow is because I'm going to try to get a job. He has known me and my aunt for years. He told her that anytime I needed a job he would have one and now that I need one I am hoping that he will come true on his word because I really really need one. I can't pay my bills with what I am making right now. Jason can't pay for everything. It's not fair. I need to be able to help him out with what I can but it's going to take me awhile to get things under control. All in all things are going good. I went to church for Christmas Eve service. It was nice being able to see everyone. It's amazing how some of them have grown up. It's been a really long time since I have been to my church. Well I think that is all for now.

Moving!

I am so happy. I just found out that the apartment that Jason and I were looking at is ours. It's in West Chester. It's pretty nice! I can't wait. It has a tanning bed-free. 24 hour fitness center, pool table at the club house plus a beer tap which Jason loves. Nice big closets. Nice big kitchen. And a dish washer! I can't wait. We get to move soon. I can't wait!

My hero..

I think that I am ok. I know this sounds strange. But last night I was laying in bed and the look that Jason gave me was undescribeable. There was so much said with out any words. He takes care of me. God knows I need it. He got me this little cute wooden jewelry dresser like thing. I've always wanted one. He came home with it last night and I thought that I was going to start crying. It was so pretty. He always makes sure that I'm happy. he holds me when I need it. He even watches the love and romantic mushy movies I like. He works on my car. He does what he can to help me. He's not perfect. Neither am I. He even wants to drive up to Dayton on xmas to see me with my family. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that because honestly i have never been with a guy who has ever wanted to meet my family. I guess they have always looked at me and thought if I'm this messed up imagine what my family could be like and they refuse to see them or even try to get to know them. I am very happy. The only thing that I am struggling with right now is the balance between him and my friends. I have to keep my friend in my life. I'm not about to throw them to the side. I need them in my life and I need their support. I'm not use to living with a guy. This is so new for me. But I can manage. Yeah he doesn't like to clean, or do dishes, or do laundry, or cook, or any of that.... but I don't mind doing it. He loves my chinchilla. That makes me happy. He always talks to her when he walks by her cage. He interacts with my bird. No one in the past ever did that. They could care less about them.
We were at the pet store the other day and I saw a macaw. I really wanted when I first started working them and that dream of owning something so beautiful and unique came back to me. I couldn't walk away. I love those birds. I told Jason and he didn't dismiss it. He knows I want one. Maybe one day. Oh well. I do miss my internet, and the land line. But it's okay. I can check my mail and stuff when I'm near the library. I can use his phone since he has unlimited minutes and such. Things are okay. I will survive if I stay positive, that's the key. Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes its very hard. But I know in my heart that things will get better. It may be hard for a while but that's life. I know that things could be worse. I know. And they may get worse before they get better. As Jason always says it won't happen over night. Do I love him? I don't know. Could I ever love him? Yes. He may not be the one. I don't know. He get along more than I ever thought that we would. I may have lost a friend in the process but maybe she wasn't my friend to begin with. I don't know. I may never know. Okay..this is a lot longer than I thought it would be. I have some job hunting to do....

So....an update

Well, I moved in with Jason. Things are going good. Very small apartment for two people and the amount of the stuff that we have. Right now we are going off his income because I am getting screwed over at work with hours. It sucks. Plus, some one got ahold of my visa check card number and tried to send money through western union. It was refused thank god. The total amount of all the orders is like over 5,000 bucks. So I have no check card right now. I have to wait for a new one. Yay me. Everything is going good. I miss my internet. Oh well.

I got my wings

Well, I took my first plane trip yesterday. It was so much fun. I flew from Dayton to Washington Dulles, to visit my aunt in Maryland. The flight was fun. I had a window seat. I got to see so much it was amazing. The colors of the fields and the grassy patches and the tiny little houses was so cool. It was like looking at a completely different world. The descend wasn't as fun. It actually hurt my chest a little. It was a bumpy landing but i can't wait to do it again. I wasn't nervous at all. I was very calm. It was like I was a pro or something at it. It was so cool.

The flight was only for an hour and something but it seemed like a 15 minute trip and we were there. There weren't too many people on the plane. The airport that I flew out of was so calm and not too busy. But when I landed there were people everywhere! It was crazy. I found my baggage and then I couldn't find my driver. He was sent to the wrong baggage belt and was waiting for me there. I had to call and they had to send him to the right one. He was nice. It took over 20 minutes to leave the airport. The lines leaving to pay for parking were crazy. There were 5 lines but 3 closed. lines of traffic had to merge to 2 lines of traffic. People wouldn't let people in, and this lady got out of her car and started yelling at the guy that was trying to get traffic in to the two lanes. She was crazy. The traffic on the highway was worse. I thought that Cincinnati traffic was bad, oh my this was so much worse.

Today was cool. We went shopping and I got some clothes which is part of my xmas present but I need them now for work. That was pretty nice. Thanksgiving dinner was pretty good. I ate way too much. Oh well. It was worth it. Once I move out I'm going to be the one cooking, and depending on how well I can manage getting down the whole cooking thing... I may not be eating that well for awhile. Oh well, Jason has tv dinners for a reason. I miss him so much!

Tomorrow is going to be fun. We're getting up early to go shopping on Black Friday! Hopefully to get a computer.. Who knows. I want some dvds. That'll be fun. Then we're going to catch a train into Washington DC and go to the Spy Museum. I can't wait to go sight seeing. I brought Jason's camera for a reason.

Well I miss Jason so much. I've been away from him for like two days. I won't see him till Monday sometime but I miss him. I can't wait to get the hell out my house and get in the apartment. I need my personal space for my life. My life needs to get rolling. I feel like it's at a standstill. I need to get out and going. I have school soon, hopefully with in the next few weeks I can find a much better job. I need to bring in much more money than I am right now. I'm bringing in what I brought in at my old job for one week every two weeks now. Even though I won't be paying rent, I still need to try to help out as much as I can.

Well I think that is all for now. I'll update more later!

I see changes...

Well...Things are changing. I know that I haven't been on here much. I've been doing a lot of work on the farm and at work. I fly out tomorrow to Washington DC to see my aunt. When I come back I plan on moving out and in with Jason. He won't charge me anything as long as I keep up the apartment and do my share of the cleaning and stuff. I'll occupy it more than he will anyways. I like the cleaning and the laundry and stuff. It makes me miss my own apartment. I'll only be working at B&B for a little bit longer anyways. So the drive won't be too bad. I'm looking for vet jobs in the area around him and then I have to transfer my school stuff to the branch that is closer to him. Hopefully I can get back up on my feet. I don't usually look forward to moving but I am right now.

eek

Well...I've vanished for a few days. I always feel better when I come back home after Jason's. I feel relaxed. We do lots of things in two days its crazy. Friday we had our yard sale at home which went okay I guess. I was more focused on cleaning out the garage. I went over to Jasons friday night. WE went out to the horse farm to do some more work I mostly cleaned in my spare time around the apartment. He's never home so I helped him out. We went grocery shopping. Sunday I got to meet his mom and brother. That was fun. Then we went to New Richmond Ohio to look at the Dam and Locks, which now they have locked off the Locks. But we still hiked around and looked at the boats and stuff. Over all we had a good weekend. We're talking about future trips that we can take. He wants to go to West Virgina and so many other places. Right now, we're concentrating on having fun. Going places and doing things and not so much on the relationship. We're getting to know each other. We're having fun doing it. So I'm getting out and doing things and having so much fun doing it. Spending the weekend with him is like a vacation. That's it for now!!

Good friends

So I just had like a 2 hour conversation with my really good friend Trish. I t felt good to be able to talk to some one who knows what I'm going through with certain things. Her advice and input means a lot to me.
I think that I am the happiest that I have been in such a long time. It feels so good. It feels so good to know that some one wants me. What is better is knowing that I want that person back. He constantly pushes me. There was no way that I could have hiked as much as I did last weekend if he wasn't there. He pushes me. He tells me that I can do more than I allow myself to think. He tells me that I'm beautiful and that I shouldn't change myself. He makes me feel complete. I feel safe. He gave me a key to his apartment. He's let me drive his truck. I even cleaned his aprtment and did laundry. It was nice to help him out. He's so busy doing stuff for others. I love that kind of stuff anyways. He cooks for me. I want to spend all the time that I can there. But I know that I shouldn't. I know that we need our space from each other. We went to New Richmond yesterday and it was so peaceful. Cute little town. We got to talking about all the places that we can go. He's been alot of places. He's told me about alot of places that he wants to take me. I'm so excited. Yay!!

Update...yes I'm still alive

Well... Jason and I are official. This past weekend he and I became official. I'm pretty happy about it. I even have a key to the apartment. That makes me feel good. That way I can sleep in when he gets up early for work and leaves at 4am. It's going really good right. Once I realized that I have to let my guard down sometime in order to let some one in, and I did. I see him differently now. I enjoy his company and we have fun. There is so much work to do on the horse show farm still. A lot of stuff to do before the winter. I've spent almost every day with him since Friday. The only thing is that I have other friends too that I have to spend time. I miss my Val-Val. I haven't seen her. And I feel bad because I was supossed to see my friend yesterday but couldn't. This weekend there's the yard sale and there is still plenty of work to do for that. I was going to have tomorrow off but I am going in to work. I need the hours. Ah..all for now~!

Escape from reality

I had so much fun this weekend. First off- Friday was awesome. After work I drove out to Milford and met my friend Jason at his moms house. Then we went bowling with a friend of ours. Good times. I got to drive my friends new truck home. That was cool. It's his lil baby and he let me drive it. We did other little stuff with Andy before bowling but that doesn't really matter. They're into their guy stuff and making money I just tag along. Moving on... Saturday we drove up to Hamilton to the scrap yard- Again me tagging along... The boys made over a hundred each for their stuff. Then Jason and I went to Red River Gorge. I'm so outta shape. We spent most of the day out there hiking around and enjoying the peace. It's so beautiful out there at this time of the year. I was very slow at first climbing a huge hill...it seemed more like a mountain to me. But Jason kept pushing me and he kept telling me that I could do it. I made it to the top and it was worth it. My legs hurt like hell, but it was beautiful. We hiked around for a bit and then headed down to the creek that goes through the mountains and it was so quiet and so peaceful. It was nice listening to the water as it ran over the rocks and through the mountains and around. Jason was so sweet, he bought me boots on Saturday so that I could hike more easier. He said that everyone should have a pair of boots. That was very kind of him. So after that, we headed home and I got into cleaning mode...I felt bad for him because he works so hard and works so much during the week at his job and doing other side jobs for another friend of ours. So I made him get a beer and sit his ass down and watch some tv. I cleaned the bathroom and the kitchen. I enjoyed doing it. It made me feel good to do something for him, he's spent so much money on me this weekend I wanted to try and help him out. Sunday was pretty cool. We headed out to Erica's and planted some flowers for her and then got started on a trailer that Jason got for free. I got to play with power tools. That was fun. I got to play with a sander! It was fun learning how to do new things. I enjoyed my weekend. It was like a mini vacation. Since I have realized that I have a fear of letting guys get close, I let down my guard for a while this weekend and realized how much fun I could have with him, I saw him differently for once. I actually didn't want to leave.. But I plan on trying to spend more time with him and see what happens. Well I just got home and its 5:04 in the morning. I need to lay down before work.

eek

So...I thought that the drama was over. I was so wrong!
Today I finally said good bye to my cowboy and put a woken dream back to sleep. That was ok. We both said goodbye and agreed that it was for the better. I can't end up gettin hurt, and I don't want to be hurt by him. He's a good kid. That was okay.
Then....one of my ex's calls. We've kinda been talking the past couple weeks. He wants to talk. So I let him talk. He needs closure. I once loved him. I still do. But I can't be with him. Those feelings are put away because what we had was in the past. It's gone. I care about him yes...But we are two different people. They say let sleeping dogs lie for a reason. So after being on the phone with him for like an hour, I'm tired from yelling.
I still have to go to work. Work was fun. Work was a relief. it got my mind of todays events. Plus I don't feel well. I haven't been feeling well. So if we get into an argument I am autimatically going to dismiss you for now because I don't feel good...Leave me alone and let me feel better and then we can talk lol. I can't waste my energy fighting because that is what happens when you don't feel well....I don't mean too much harm...lol.
I got into an argument with a friend about sex. He's the ex of my ex manager. He's sweet. But he is a typical guy. He wants some. Well we got in to it about that and he finally admitted that yeah he would love to have sex with me, but if he had to chose he would rather just have me as a person in his life to be able to get to know than have nothing at all. He said that he doesn't need me for that, and he doesn't have to get that from me if I'm not to that point with him. Okay so that argument turned out to be ok. He has been calling me everyday to see how I am. He also calls me everynight to say goodbye. He's been trying to get me come see him but he lives 25 minutes away and right now I don't have the money for gas for little road trips for fun. Anyways, I hope to be able to see him soon.
Then that leads me to the last and hopefully final dramatic event of the night which I am not going to go into because he reads these apparently and I'm not saying anything about it so I don't get words put in my mouth or so that words that I say can not be taken the wrong way.
Oh well.. I shouldbe in bed. I feel like crap. I think that I am getting an ear infection. I know that I got this from my manager. She's sick and she was my training manager so I know it's her fault......

Sweet Bliss

Well,
Today was pretty good. I was in a much better mood today than I was last night. I worked today for a while. It was fun. Being in this small little store with all these sweet smelling smells....It's wonderful. I love it. I learned how to ring today. It was so easy. I did a lot on the register today for being my first day on register. It's pretty fun. The customers are so nice. I hope that it stays like this through out the holidays. It's very peaceful. I know where I will be doing my holiday shopping. Only because I get a good discount and I love the stuff and so does my family lol. What sucks the most is that I had to go clothes shopping for my new job. I wasn't expecting that. But I was able to get a few tops pretty cheap until I can get to the mall and use my discount. I'm not complaining though. I've just gotten used to wearing the same uniform every day for 3 years lol. Oh well.
Today has been pretty easy going, minus the early phone call I got this morning waking me up from a very nice deep sleep. I haven't been sleeping well and I didn't wanna move this morning. Oh well, it was a very unexpected phone call. Now I'm just doing my daily routine-cleaning up after everyone. Well I should say after two people who live in the basement who are so freaking lazy I would be embarrassed if I were them. We have money to go drinking but we can't pay rent or pay food money. Then I'm gonna lie straight to my dads face. They make me so angry. I hope they never reproduce. Ugh. Whatever.
I've decided that I have way to many animals. 4 hamsters, a bird, a chinchilla and fish and now apparently I have a dog...I don't mind the dog. I love her to death. She's so sweet. I should only have two hamsters.. But no lazy ass down stairs can't take care of them. You know when there are bugs in the bedding...they haven't been taken care of. And she wants kids? Yeah right.
Okay...the fish I really don't do much...they just swim.. But the others...I don't have enough time for them...My bird is pretty easy to entertain..just leave the tv on and he's good. Chewie the chinchilla though- she likes to run...but when I let her run she tries to pee on me... Ah..I can't win with these animals. And last night Brittney almost puked on me....I spoil these animals and I get bodily fluids on me....ick. Oh well.
I'm pretty excited. A good friend of mine suggested that we go on a hike. Now the place that we'll be hiking at I use to go to as a child for camp. I love this place. It's no peaceful and so pretty. I used to love going there as a child. But once I moved further away it got harder to go. I've always wanted to go back. So I love the idea of going back for a nice hike. Yeah it'll be cold but it'll be worth it. I can always clear my head there because of the simplicity of the place...I always leave there feeling better and refreshed. I have some of the best memories there. Most of my pictures of my closest friends are from there. It is a wonderful place. It's a church camp so that's a nother nice thing about wanting to go. I've been trying to go to church weekly and get back to the way that I once was with my faith. So that is one thing that I am most def. looking forward too. It'll be nice for me to go before I start school. That way I can really clear my head.
So many things... ah oh well things are going pretty good. It'll be nice once I start school. My grandma offered to pay my rent once I start school. That's how bad she wants me to go. My mom didn't finish jack when she was growing up so she's pretty excited to know that I'm going. My sisters may not be able to go because my mom is stupid and can't take care of them like she should be doing. I'm so glad that she didn't raise me.
Anyways...that will help me with saving money if I don't have to worry about rent. And my aunt is going to buy me a computer before I start school. This computer is a 95... it's pretty old. Sometimes I can see what I'm typing apear after I've stopped typing... lol. It's pretty funny but it's very very frustrating sometimes. I can't wait for that to happen. Oh well. I think that's enough for now...This is one long entry....

Let you go

I need to let you go
I need to say goodbye
I need to watch you fly away
Maybe one day we'll meet agin
Until then I need to let you go

Don't cry
It'll be okay
Please don't look back
This is for the best
You'll be happier
Once I let you go

I can't come
You have to go alone
Don't be scared
It'll be okay
Your better off with out me
I have to let you go

You'll find some one else
I promise you'll be happy
You'll be complete
When I let you go

Goodbye

Oh Lord...

When I was a little girl, I had dreams of living on a farm. I loved horses and I wanted them when I was little. I told myself that when I grew up I was going to own them and ride them and have a farm and animals all be a cowgirl. Well some where along the line, I grew up and forgot that. About a month and half ago I met some one actually on here. He's a cowboy. He's sweet, good looking and downright special. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. I'm not affraid to be myself to him. I feel like I could pour my heart and soul out to him and he would nuture it and take care of it with great respect. He's everything that I have ever wanted in a guy. He's one of a kind. I love his voice. I love his smile. He's not shy to call me sweetie and he says sorry if he feels that he offended me. He likes to do the things that I have always wanted to either learn to do or do again. We want the same things outta life and out of some one. The problem is I'm falling for him. I've never met him. I've seen him and I've heard him. We've talked for many hours getting to know each other. Yes there is still much to learn about each other. I'm not in love with him. I'm just really startin to fall for him And talking to him brings out the country side of me. And that is who I am. I am country. I hate Ohio. I wanna have a huge farm and raise animals and work hard. I wanna get up early and go feed the piggies. That's what I want. I love the sound of that. I want a huge farm. I wanna be able to go out and ride my horse whenever I feel like it. I wanna just ride and forget about things for awhile. Just feel the wind in my face and clear my head. I had forgotten about my dreams. The past few years everyone asks me what I want and I could never honestly answer them. I could never pick a topic for school and be comfortable going to school and getting a degree in it and I still don't. Then I met my cowboy and all of a sudden my dreams came very clear to me. Thats what I want. I know it sounds crazy. But I've always wanted a cowboy to take care of. He works hard and I wanna take care of him. Now the other problem that I face is, he's in Oklahoma. Like I said he's a cowboy. He really is. He's about 12 hours away. And he has already said that he doesn't think he could date some one who lives this far away. I don't think I could either. We did discuss meeting. We could meet half way. That way it would be cheaper and less time traveling and more time together. He thought it was a good idea. Now I just need money. I need money for more than just that. I need money for my bills. I have to look at getting a second job. My job now is only seasonal. But I still need a job that I can start at now, and then hopefully pick up more hours after the season is over and I am doen with my current job. Wow. Okay so thats the stuff that was on my mind that I noted in my other blog. Well the dog is finally quiet and I'm awide awake now.....

The chance I take

Everyone Says you'll break my heart
Put out the fire before it starts
You'll string me along and then cut me loose
But I don't care what they say about you

My heart's got a history
Of letting love get the best of me
'Cause I can't hide the way I feel
When I'm fallin in love it's always head over heels

It's the chance I take
It's the chance I take
I bet it on this heart of mine
I might even get lucky this time
Let the chips fall where they may
I'm a fool for love it's the chance I take

Just when I say never again
I'm throwin' caution to the wind
Nothing ventured nothing gained
The only way to win is to stay in the game

I've been on the looking end
But I still wanna love again
I sweep up the pieces when my heart breaks
Put it back together it's the chance I take

I'm a fool for love it's the chance I take
I'm a fool for love it's the chance I take

Friday night rocked

Well yesterday was awesome! I had so much fun. First I had to go through alot of stuff because I have way to much stuff. So I went through and got about two boxes of stuff to get rid of....that took acouple hours but I had to do it...that was most of my day...then we cooked the best steak last night oh my gosh it was so good.... we had a feast last night! It was so good.. After that my friend Tricia picked me up and we to a high school football game...neither one of us had been back since we graduated so we went back....it was crazy. Literally. The stadium so packed....we had to park in a neighborhood and walk...they were sold out. I never remember a game being sold out the whole 4 years I was in high school....and they re-did the stadium..it looks awesome. brand new field and lots of stuff. It looked great. After that we went to Steak and Shake for shakes. Now every time I go there I have to get a Frisco melt even though I wasn't really hungry I had to get one... we stayed there and talked for awhile which was nice. It was nice sitting and talking. It was over all a great night!

positive note

Things are going so well. I couldn't be more happier than I am right now. I can't believe how quitting my job could make me so happy. I'm so glad that I got out of that place. I'm working some place much smaller and the atmosphere is so different. People there actually seem to care about my learning process and that I am doing well. So far I love it.

I am so excited for tomorrow night! I am going back to Sycamore! Only for a football game....but I stil get to go with one of my really good friends Tricia. I love Tricia only because she gives a damn about me and the stuff that goes on in my life and gives me advice and listens when I need to talk. I don't know what I would have done with out Tricia at some points. She was there for me 100% with awesome advice. She really helped me pull through. Thanks Tricia. We're gonna have so much fun! I can't wait.

I am also happy because I found some one who I can talk to and be myself too. He's awesome and a great person. He makes me laugh and smile more than I can ever remember doing. I have been through some tough shit and for once I found a friend who doesnt let that shit get in the way.. He looks beyond it. He looks at me as a real person. I enjoy that. He's gonna make some girl the happiest girl some day.

Well that is my update for now. Things are going great like I said. i'm a much happier and stress less almost stress free person. My body is actually staring to feel better, maybe one day all the pain will be gone from working my ass off in a hell hole for 3 years that at a drop of a pin will screw you over. I hate that place...I don't even think I can go back to shop... wow thats pretty sad. Oh well. I got out thank god.

Peaceful...

Today was such a good day. I went to church today with my friend Dan. He goes to a catholic church and thought that he would see what the one I go to was like. Funny thing though, they both have the same name. He said they'vre very different from each other. After church we went out to lunch which was very good. We went to a nice little place in Kenwood. I didn't do much when I got home except take a nap. I didn't sleep well last night but I'm not sure why. I got home kinda late from babysitting which I didn't mind at all. Tonight we grilled out, chicken and egg salad and macaroni salad...It was so good. Linda and I made up this really good bbq sauce...yummy! That's about it for my day. It was a good day. My stress level is so much better now that I'm not working where I was. I feel so much better. I feel like I can fly almost, I feel like I have so much stuff lifted off my shouldars. It's a great feeling. Hopefully tomorrow I'll hear about my job offer. I can't wait. I'm going to have a lot of fun working there. And I get to wear nice clothes and I don't have to worry about getting gross.

My prayer of Confidence

I was having a conversation the other day with some one and the subject of our favorite verse/chapter in the bible came up. We got on the topic of Psalms. I couldn't remember the exact chapter, for it's been awhile since I've read anything in the Psalms book but I looked it up. I always feel better once I write or type something down. Psalms 16 is my favorite I think. It's a Prayer of Confidence. These are just some lines I like the most.

Protect me, O God; I trust in you for safety.
I say to the Lord, "You are my Lord; all the good things I have come from you."
How excellent are the Lord's faithful people!
My greatest pleasure is to be with them.
Those who rush to other gods only bring troubles on themselves.
I will not take part in their sacrifices;
I will not worship their Gods.

You will show me the path that least to life;
your presence fills me with joy and brings me pleasure foever.

Psalms 18 David's Song of Victory

The Lord is my protector;
he is my strong fortress.
My God is my protection, and with him I am safe.
He protects me like a sheild;
he defends me and keeps me safe.

Those are some of my favorite lines that hit home. I usually make up my own prayers as I go along, but I once knew these as a younger child. I haven't been reading much like I should be, which hopefully I can change. I'm getting better, slowly but surely.

Burr!

I woke up this morning freezing! I love but I hate this kind of weather. It's so pretty outside. But in order to be comfortable;e and not freeze ya gotta bundle up. The wind is what gets me. I love curling up on the couch though with a good book underneath a warm blanket. Winter is coming whether we like it or not. I can't believe how much my life has changed. Mostly for the better. I seem to be in a good place. I'm alive and well. That's all that matters. Things could be worse. I have my car back and it's working well. Granted I don't have a job right now, but the stress that has been lifted is remarkable. I feel happy and normal for once. I feel human. I haven't felt like this is such a long time. I'm sitting here looking out the window and I'm watching one of our cats across the street rolling around in the driveway. She's happy and free. I guess that's how I feel. So what I don't have a guy... I don't need one and I guess right now I don't want one. They complicate things. They compicate your judgement if your not ready for one. Oh well. All in all things are going great, hopefully they will only get better.

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My universal prayer.

My God, I believe in Thee;
do Thou strengthen my faith.
All my hopes are in Thee;
do Thou secure them.
I love Thee with my whole heart;
teach me to love Thee daily more and more.
I am sorry that I have offended Thee;
do Thou increase my sorrow.

I adore Thee as my first beginning.
I aspire after Thee as my last end.
I give Thee thanks as my constant Benefactor.
I call upon Thee as my sovereign Protector.
Vouchsafe,
O my God,
to conduct me by Thy wisdom,
to restrain me by Thy justice,
to conform me by Thy mercy,
and to defend me by Thy power.

To Thee I desire to consecrate all my thoughts,
words, actions, and sufferings;
that henceforward I may think of Thee,
speak of Thee,
willingly refer all my actions to Thy greater glory,
and suffer willingly whatever Thou shalt appoint.

Lord, I desire that in all things Thy will may be done;
because it is Thy will,
and in the manner that Thou willest.

I beg of Thee to enlighten my understanding,
to inflame my will,
to purify my body,
and to sanctify my soul.

Give me strength, O my God,
to expiate my offences,
to overcome temptations,
to subdue my passions,
and to acquire the virtues proper for my state.

Fill my heart with tender affection for Thy goodness,
hatred for my faults,
love for my neighbour,
and contempt of the world.

May Thy grace help me to be submissive to my superiors,
condescending to my inferiors,
faithful to my friends,
and charitable to my enemies.

Assist me to overcome sensuality by mortification,
avarice by alms-deeds,
anger by meekness,
and tepidity by devotion.

O my God, make my prudent in my undertakings,
courageous in dangers,
patient in afflictions,
and humble in prosperity.
Grant that I may be ever attentive at my prayers,
temperate at my meals,
diligent in my employments,
and constant in my resolutions.

Let my conscience be ever upright and pure,
my exterior modest,
my conversation edifying,
and my conduct steady.

Assist me, that I may continually labour to overcome nature,
to correspond with Thy grace,
to keep Thy commandments,
and to work out my salvation.

Discover to me, O my God,
the nothingness of this world,
the greatness of heaven,
the shortness of time,
and the length of eternity.

Grant that I may prepare for death,
that I may fear Thy judgments,
that I may escape hell,
and in the end, obtain heaven;
through the merits of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Amen.

It's official...

Posted Date: : Oct 8, 2006 6:06 PM

Well, it's official...I am no longer working at Petsmart. I went in today and said my goodbyes to people who were working. I wasn't really that sad. I need to get out of there anyways. I can go someplace better where management actually cares about the employees. I'm gonna take a couple days to myself and just relax. My stress level is very high, especially these past few days.

I went to church today. It was different going by myself. I enjoyed being there. It was good for me to go. I needed it. I needed the forgiveness and the silence. As crazy as that sounds together, that's what I look forward too. My faith gets stronger and stronger every day. Week by week I'm forgiven and my soul is cleansed. I feel so much better. I feel safe. As always I pray for those around me.

I came home and watched tv for the first time in awhile. It was strange being here in the house all alone and actually being able to watch tv. I groomed the dog and talked to some one who I haven't talked to for awhile. He seems to be doing good. We've been through a lot and I actually got to the point where I didn't want to even talk to him. But of course he had his own problems. But we promised to keep in touch now that I won't see him at work. I don't see him much anyways, and I'm not really ready to see him. Yeah I care about him, but we're better off keeping distance. I washed my car for the first time in awhile. She was so dirty from being at the shop. She was disgusting actually. I bonded with her for awhile, since I haven't had her for about three weeks. And here I am now. All in all today was a good day. I was able to get some things done. I got alot of thinking done too. Who my friends are and who I can really count on in a time of need. They're not the people that I though they were. I think that me leaving Petsmart was the right thing at the right time. I can leave those who need to be left behind, behind where they belong.

Time for change...

I think it's time for change. I ended up getting sent home from work today early because I got so frustrated with the people that I work with because no one can help me. They put all this shit on me, and yet when I need help they are in their own little worlds. So I got so far behind. It was obvious that I needed help and they just stood there at times watching me struggle. So as I was getting sent home I told them that this was the first day of my two weeks and I walked out. I refuse to be walked all over and treated like I'm a slave. It's time for a change, I need a new job. I've been there for 3 years and it's 3 years too long.

Thunder

Posted Date: : Oct 5, 2006 1:31 AM

I'm sitting here at 2:30 in the morning and I haven't quite figured out why I'm still sitting here. Then I realized that I was listening to the thunder. It's very peaceful. Things will be okay. I have to just wait it out. I'm due for some changes. I think me coloring my hair started it. I am ready for change. So bring on the rain and let that thunder roll.

I beg you

On my way home from Val's apartment tonight I heard a song on the radio and I got to thinking. I go through this every once in awhile, and I guess that this song kinda triggered it. I kinda grew up listening to this song and many others like it. It's one of my favorite songs by the artist. But anyways, I got to thinking about my situations with guys. I've never had good luck with guys. The ones that really like me, I can't say I felt the same about them in return. The ones that I came to like couldn't say the same thing about me in return.
I'm thinking, how long must I go until I find some one who can honestly say they like me, and I can say I like them. I think that I get there but something happens. Then the whole thing kinda just blows up in my face. There was a guy who I liked. I thought that he liked me in return, but I'm comming to the conclusion that he doesn't like me as much as I hoped for. I think his intensions are a little different than I would hope. Yes, he is a very busy man. He likes working all the time, and spending his off days with his son. How can I compete to that? I can't. Especially if he doesn't want me to. I enjoy the little things in relationships. The hugs, the words, the kisses. Just small things. I don't need money. I don't need jewlery or anything like that. I just want some of his time. The more that I sit here and think about it, the more that I realize how blind I was. I know that unless I call him, I will not hear from him. I've tried the whole well if I don't call him, he'll call me thing and it got me no where. He's not into relationships. That's fine. It's still nice to call some one every once in awhile and say hi. Don't tell me your gonna call me, and then don't.
The more I realize the truth, the more depressed I become. I would like my some one for once. I would like for some one to come in to my life for once and make me feel happy, make me feel loved. Don't use me for your pleasure. i've had enough of that in my past and I don't need it to happen to me anymore. Now I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself at all.
People have told me before that I have a way with people. Well maybe I do. But it's me. If you don't like me then go away. I am who I am and I'm not changing myself for anyone. I'm happy with the way that I am. I have a hard time trusting guys. I wonder why. If you know me well you know why. I have a thing for people who seem nice on the outside but things are very different on the inside. I want my some one. I want some one to say I love you for who you are, don't ever change. I don't wear make up to impress. I don't wear fancy clothes, I don't show off. I'm me. I love to do things, when I can. I like to go out on dates. But this person always works. We've gone out once. That's it. Every other time that I have seen him is while he is working. I like seeing him. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel good about myself. I would love to see him more often.
My friend told me to try to talk to him. I can't get him to call me, let alone talk to him about something important. he won't talk about his past. He loves his son which makes me happy. I think that it's great he is devoted to his son. I wish that he could see him more often, but then again when a person works as much as he does, it makes it hard to do anything.
I don't want to fall in love or anything like that right now. I just want some one that I can do things with. Who regardless how I look says I look good. Even if I'm pmsing, he still puts up with me. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but at this rate I honestly feel like I will be. I've never had one good relationship. I've either been cheated on, lied to, or abused by some one. I've learned from my mistakes...don't ever see some one you work with. That doesn't work. Especially if he has a temper problem. That is not a good combination. I can't trust any one anymore. The nicest people have turned on me so easily. Oh I didn't put out for them, so they won't talk to me. Okay...well that's very kind of you really. I don't feel like I can trust any male person anymore. The ones that I can trust again always end up hurting me.
I don't do this to people....why must I be hurt? I don't understand it. All I want is to be able to talk to you when I feel like we need to talk, I like communication and I feel that in order to have any type of friendship or relationship you have to have a good line of communication. Okay...if you can't take 5 minutes to call me and at least say hey i'm really busy I won't be able to see you tonight...then I guess we have no reason to see each other. Sometimes I wish that he had a computer and could read this stuff. But why have a computer when the only time your home is to sleep. I say that I am done doin this to myself...then I find some one new. And the whole thing once again repeats itself. I'm getting to the point where I don't even want to get out of bed. If I stay in bed or in hibernation away from people then I don't have to do this to myself and get to the point where all I want to do is stay in bed. I could actually enjoy life for once. But I don't. I don't because I'm tired of people who lie to me, and hurt me and stab me in the back. Why would you try to hurt some one?
I've lost a lot of really good friends. But the thing is, they don't seem to even notice. If they notice, then I guess that they don't care. Sometimes I just want to rip my hair out. Cause some pain. I'm surrendering myself. Now at this moment. I give up. Please take me for every thing that I am worth. Take me away from this horrid place I call my life. Please I beg you. For I am so weak and I have nothing left to give. I want to scream at the heavens and ask why. Why would you put me here on this earth to have me only suffer and be in pain. Is that your goal for me? To make me suffer? I know that I am a sinner, but I have not killed, nor have I stole, so why must I suffer like this, and be so un-happy? If this is your goal, then please I don't want it. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. I want happiness and love. I am done. I feel as if I can not ask for more. For one wish you can not grant, why should I ask for more dissapointment in my life?

I don't know

I don't know what mood I'm in right now. I want to cry but I want to scream. I want to curl up in a little ball but at the same time I want to run. I want to run away and never return to this place where I feel so uncomfortable. I can't sit still, but yet I want to lie down and go to sleep. I push and I push until there is nothing left to push. I back away until I drown. I give and I give and I give only to get nothing in return...not even a simple phone call....I'm tired but yet I am wide a wake. I am so confused but yet I want to fight. I want to yell at you. I want to tell you how I really feel but yet come morning I'll regret for those feelings that I feel now will no longer exist. I want to lie in your arms at night and feel protected for once in my stupid miserable pathedic life...but you don't cuddle. I would love to hear your voice right now, but you don't call. I feel my self slowly losing energy that I so desperately need these days to just wake up. My eyes open every morning and maybe once my dream will come true...I'll no longer be here. I'll be where I should be right now...far far away from here. Maybe one day I'll find what I am so desperately looking for. For I am not finding it here. I am from what it seems looking in the wrong place with the wrong people. I see the smiling faces, but yet I feel as if their eyes are full of hate and despair.. full of back stabbing and lies. False sense of caring. False people. I'm tired of the fakes. I'm tired of the if you need anything call me bull shit that I put up with every day of my life. Some times I want people to leave me alone. Other times those who leave me alone the most seem so far away I get scared that they'll drift away so far they won't come back. They say if you set it free and it's meant to be it'll come back...that's a bunch of bull. Life these days is a bunch of bull.

A change in color

Posted Date: : Sep 28, 2006 9:46 AM

So, I decided at the last minute last night to change my hair color. I was at Krogers with Val Val and we sat there for awhile looking at all the colors and we decided that we would do the opposite. She has black and she decided to go lighter, which is what I was, and I decided to go darker which is what she is. I went dark reddish. I like it. There are some streaks of blonde though that you can see but I think it's kinda cool. Val Val tried to go blonde. But she has black hair, and only her roots got lighter but I like it. It's different and she's different. I've never gone to an extreme color like this at once. I like it though and I like the fact that I could do something like this. Yes it's only hair color, but it's the point behind the hair color. I used to be able to make crazy decisions and have fun. Now I have to think like crazy to do anything. And it's gets in the way of having fun sometimes I think. I dunno. Crazy stuff.

My weekend...

I had a great weekend...first off I think I broke my toe...friday was pretty borring...Saturday I went out with my friend Val Val and Jason. We were going to go a haunted House but it was to late. So we just ended up driving around in circles....went back to his apartmend and watched the end of some stupid King movie where semi-trucks were posessed and had a mind of their own...Got what seemed like 2 hours of sleep and got up early for Church which I had a hard time fighting going to sleep. Then the fun stuff... We went to Renz Fest...Which was very fun. I got to see all kinds of different outfits...which was nice because it gave me some ideas for what I would like to do next year for a outfit. I got to see cool stuff and some really fun shows. I had fun. I got to meet some of the people that Val worked with which was pretty cool. Then we went out to dinner with a few of them. It was fun.

Goodbye

I feel the room
I feel the air
I feel myself getting heavy
I feel the looks
I feel the gasps

I know nothing
But I know everything
I see your gaze
I feel your anger
I feel your pain

Words unspoken
Touches un touched
Us no more
The pain still hurts
The memories won't fade

I simply want
what doesn't exist

I want more
for you to vanish

Take your lies
Take your promises
Take your arms that made me safe once
Take your charm

Go back to her
You crave her
Like you once craved me

Little does she know
what's in store for her
The pain
The lies
The hurtful path you leave behind

Theres no room in my heart
It's slowly pushed you out
What we once had
Was nothing more
Than nothing.

Goodbye



I feel better. The feelings will always be there. The thoughts of something fun that we once had will always be there. There is no turning back in time. I regret nothing that has happened. You had your chance and you blew it. I was nothing more than a simple friend and you broke my heart and danced for joy in the spot light that my heart shown down upon you. Others may be fooled but I am not. I once was blind to your act, I've removed the mask and now I see the encore is not what I had in mind. No I will not ask for my money back. For we all have different tastes. I must say for future reference I must stay away from your kind. For it makes me feel ill and sick to my stomach. We can chose who we like, but we can not chose who likes us. The things we say and the things that we do impact more than just ourselves. One day we may wake up and find ourselves alone wondering what it was that we did to end the way that it does.

Survival Techniques...

Okay this is really goofy but I started doing some of these things on this list and yeah it actually helps me when I am frustrated or sad or whatever....

If you feel angry....
Take a warm 15 minute rose scented bath
Put on a pretty night gown or your pjs that are pink
Color three pages in a coloring book with fonly blue and green
Write out exactly what you are feeling in your journal with a blue pen
Put pretty pink sheets on your bed and curl up with your teddy bear.

Now the purpose of the colors is the pink reminds us of rose. Rose makes us happy and calms us. The specific colors in the book are to get our mind to focus

If your feeling sad.....
Take a lavender bath
Put on your best outfit
Have a hershey kiss or two but no more than 4
Color in your coloring book with any color 3 pages only.
After you color write in your journal
talk to your baby pictures


If you feel confused....
Take a peppermint bath
Eat a peppermint
Put on a white night gown or pjs
Polish yourt toenails
Comb Barbies hair and change her hair
Color 3 pages in your coloring book
Write in your journal exactly how you feel...

If you feel frightened....
Take a rose or lavender bath
have a peppermint candy
Put on your white pjs
paint your finger nails and your toenails
Talk to your baby pictures
Talk to your tree (if you a place outside that you like to be go there)
Color 5 pages in your coloring book with as much pink as you can.

If you feel loney....
Take a rose bath
put on your pink pjs
have three kisses
write a letter to yourself in your journal with a purple pen explaining why you feel the way that you feel
Read the letter to your teddy bear
do ten jumping jacks
color three pages in your coloring book.

Dear life...
Take away all the things inside of me that make me feel bad. Create in me a clean heart...
Give me a spirit of happiness.

Thank you.

Why?

Where are you going?
Please come back to me.
What did I do to deserve this?
Everyone does it...
I should be use to it by now
I can't stop thinking
How different things could be
If only we had tried
If only those words hadn't been spoken
I feel dark and tired on the inside
I wanna lay down and go to sleep
I can't though
for if I do...
I'll only dream of you
It can't be
Tell me it's not true
Please, I beg of you
Let me be
Set me free for once
Let me fly high above the sky
In the clouds I ponder
Why?
Will it ever end?
Will this ride ever come to a stop?
How far can we go?
Please I beg of you
Please just let it end.

Drifting away.........

My love grew stronger
each and every day,
but you only said no
in the nicest possible way
"I like her but.."
make me think I have a chance
calling me, holding me,
even asking me to dance.
Why do you do this to me?
Hurt me, with his game?
Trying to be sweet, but,
in the end only causing pain
Do you know what you do?
Make me cry in my sleep?
That look you give me
makes my heart miss a beat.
I give up, you know
I'm not a play thing
not a possession to be bought
like a shiny diamond ring.
Try to say you didn't mean it,
Always meant to be true,
I'm done with this game
Guess what, I'm through.
Sick of the times, alone
wanting to hear your voice
stuck inside, by the phone,
To find out your with her.
I thought she was my friend
honest true, you know
Best friends till the end.
This only proves me right
I cant stand to feel it,
I'm falling out of love
candel burned out no longer lit
The pain you caused me
has no name, I say.
It hurts, when I look at you,
So i know, I'm driting away..
for sure...

us.

I always wanted more from you
than you were willing to give;
So now we've gone our separate ways
each with different lives to live.

The bond will always be there
the friendship always intact;
But the time for us has come and gone
and the pages of time, you can't turn back.

I will always be a friend to you
and wonder how you are;
The smiles and laughter I will remember
and our fights have become painless scars.

Sometimes on those busy days
when you've a thousand things to do;
Please let me glide slowly through your mind
and spend some time with you.

In that quiet moment
when you're surprised to find me there;
Just remember even with the distance between us
I am still someone who cares.

My eyes are now open..

It's 11:36. I have to be at work at 8am. Today was okay. That was till I went into work for my second part of my split shift. I was nice enough to offer myself for a split shift and come back in the evening and help straighten the store. We have a manager who is helping us out until we got a new one to fill in for Rob. She isn't that nice or friendly. At least to me. I came in and did what I was told to do and I straightened the whole store. She apparently had a problem with the way that I did my cat cans. Instead of comming to me and telling me about it, she went to at least 3 other people and apparently she was pissed and didn't like the way that I did it. I've been there for almost 3 years. Thats the way that I was taught to do it and not a single manager has ever had a complaint about the way that I was taught. That made me highly upset. I went to her in front of Rick and basically told her that she needed to come to me and tell me that she had a problem with me not every one else in the store. She got all quiet and couldn't say anything to me in front of him. But as I was leaving when Rick wasn't there she tried to start stuff. I was told by Rick's boss that if a manager tries to confront you or pick a fight with you on the floor in front of other associates I have every right to walk away and let the situation calm down. I didn't have anything to say to her. I had said what I wanted to say and the fact that she had been looking for me and had walked right past me and didn't say anything to me makes me even more mad. As I was leaving the store she wanted to confront me on who knows what and I looked at her and I said I'm clocked out and I don't have to talk to you. She was like fine see if I ever come to you. I turned and kept on walking. What really gets me is that my co-workers can't even give me a little support on what happened. If it was them, I would give them 110% support. But because it's me and I apparently have a way with people, I'm treated like it's my fault. I did nothing to her, and even if I had she is still a manager and she has no right as a manager to discuss another associates performance to other associates. All she had to say was that she was looking for me which she told me that she had said that but if she had said that then how would the other associates know that she wasn't happy wity my straightning? They wouldn't. Which is my point exactly.

Oh boy

Well my birthday was Friday. Friday was awesome. First off, the dog got lose at 8 in the morning and then I got lost looking for her in some complex where all the streets are named the same. Then, after the dog was finally found I had to take a girl that I live with to go get her truck. Well, almost there I ran into some one and re-shaped there rear bumper. I got a 90 dollar ticket. And that was just peachy. Later I ended up going out with my friends and a manager that I work with and I got smashed. I ended up having to be carried into the house because I couldn't walk. I had so much fun. Val and I ended up admitting so much stuff that night to our manager it wasn't funny. Talk about awkward. I can't wait to do it again!

I love you Val!!!!

Bored and feelin gross

So I went to my freinds 21st birthday party ast night and it was awesome. We went swimming and ate and drank and my little group that I know through Brooke ended up in the hot tub for awhile before we left. I don't know what happened to my tummy but I only drank one beer because I had to drive home and I had to take some one else home so I oppted to stay sober. But by the time I got home last night or I hsould say early this morning I felt so gross and my tummy hurt so bad I ended up actually getting sick. I haven't gotten sick like that in a long time. Kinda sucked. I'm still feeling a little sick but much better! My grooming manager said that I could have my 21st birthday party at her house actually I told her tht she should let me have it there cuz they have a pool and a hot tub and stuff too. She said ok lol. I cant wait till I turn 21. Only because alot of people I know go out for drinks to nice places and always ask me and I can't cuz I'm only 20...

small update

Well things are going good. I spent the day with Valarie on Sunday. We went shopping and swimming. We had a store meeting that night which was pretty interesting. Then we went out afterwards to Fridays. Had a blast with everyone. One of my managers ordered drinks for me since I don't turn 21 till next month. It was a good time. I've been having a goot time this week. Things are going good. I went to Tina's house last night and chilled for several hours. I'm pretty excited for Saturday night. Tina and I are going to another friends house for her 21st birthday party. We haven't seen her for awhile. I had lunch with my grandma and my aunt and cousins today. Very frustrating sometimes they can be. I guess they haven't come to terms that I have my own life now. I go out and do things and have fun. I'm still excited with the idea of going back to school. I can't wait. It'll give me something to do in between working and being at home. I'm excited to get my new computer. Anyways just a small update on stuff.

uh...

It's nearly 3 in the morning. I've tried to sleep at least 4 times already and I have gotten no where. I let my mind start to drift and it starts to go places that it shouldn't be going. There are certain people that I have to make the choice if I want in my life or not. I'm thinking I don't want in my life. When I say in my life I mean on my part. I already know that they want nothing to do with my life and with me. I have to make the choice to let them go. One I already have. The other I don't know about. I keep thinking about both of them though. They both at one point wanted me in their lives. Now I'm not sure. Well I"m sure about the one. I'm so much better off with out him. I don't need him and his lies and his drama and his immaturity. The other one may be to mature for me still. It's been so long since I have seen him, seeing him once made me realize that I still love him. He was so good to me. So was his family. I miss his family and the fun that I had. Soon I'm going to be very busy with things I'm not going to have the time to think about them. Hopefully. I'm doing so well now. I've moved on from the other one and seeing him today did nothing for me. It reminded me how much I don't need nor want him in my life. He caused me so much pain and anger at the same time. I'm better than that. I'm happy with out him. I'm going to move on and go to school and do things with my life. He can be the one to work himself to death and get no where. He is the one with the anger issues and trust problems. Not me. I never needed him like I thought that I did. Once he walked away I thought that I would never get over him. Now I wished that he had walked away sooner. Actually I wish that I had never met him. I wish that I had never given him my phone number and never went out with or hooked up him at all. I wish that I had let him walk in to some one else's life and screw them up emotionaly. Why did it have to be me? Well I'll be damn if I let him ever do it to me again. I deserve so much better than him. I want some one who will take the time to listen to my needs damn it. I'm sick and tired of being there for everyone else when no one will be there for me. Well for the people who take advantage of the people like me who will listen to you complain and bitch about your problems for hours and take the yelling that you give in return and the mean words and lack of I'm sorry that I made you cry for the 2 week in a row- screw you. I hope your happy with where you are. I'm tired of helping others. I'm putting myself first for once. I'm taking care of my needs and my needs only right now. I have my goals and my dreams and damn it they are going to come true and I will accomplish them. I can do it with or with out you. I don't need your heavy bagagge weighing me down. Go put it on some one else. I don't want it anymore.