On my way home from Val's apartment tonight I heard a song on the radio and I got to thinking. I go through this every once in awhile, and I guess that this song kinda triggered it. I kinda grew up listening to this song and many others like it. It's one of my favorite songs by the artist. But anyways, I got to thinking about my situations with guys. I've never had good luck with guys. The ones that really like me, I can't say I felt the same about them in return. The ones that I came to like couldn't say the same thing about me in return.
I'm thinking, how long must I go until I find some one who can honestly say they like me, and I can say I like them. I think that I get there but something happens. Then the whole thing kinda just blows up in my face. There was a guy who I liked. I thought that he liked me in return, but I'm comming to the conclusion that he doesn't like me as much as I hoped for. I think his intensions are a little different than I would hope. Yes, he is a very busy man. He likes working all the time, and spending his off days with his son. How can I compete to that? I can't. Especially if he doesn't want me to. I enjoy the little things in relationships. The hugs, the words, the kisses. Just small things. I don't need money. I don't need jewlery or anything like that. I just want some of his time. The more that I sit here and think about it, the more that I realize how blind I was. I know that unless I call him, I will not hear from him. I've tried the whole well if I don't call him, he'll call me thing and it got me no where. He's not into relationships. That's fine. It's still nice to call some one every once in awhile and say hi. Don't tell me your gonna call me, and then don't.
The more I realize the truth, the more depressed I become. I would like my some one for once. I would like for some one to come in to my life for once and make me feel happy, make me feel loved. Don't use me for your pleasure. i've had enough of that in my past and I don't need it to happen to me anymore. Now I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself at all.
People have told me before that I have a way with people. Well maybe I do. But it's me. If you don't like me then go away. I am who I am and I'm not changing myself for anyone. I'm happy with the way that I am. I have a hard time trusting guys. I wonder why. If you know me well you know why. I have a thing for people who seem nice on the outside but things are very different on the inside. I want my some one. I want some one to say I love you for who you are, don't ever change. I don't wear make up to impress. I don't wear fancy clothes, I don't show off. I'm me. I love to do things, when I can. I like to go out on dates. But this person always works. We've gone out once. That's it. Every other time that I have seen him is while he is working. I like seeing him. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel good about myself. I would love to see him more often.
My friend told me to try to talk to him. I can't get him to call me, let alone talk to him about something important. he won't talk about his past. He loves his son which makes me happy. I think that it's great he is devoted to his son. I wish that he could see him more often, but then again when a person works as much as he does, it makes it hard to do anything.
I don't want to fall in love or anything like that right now. I just want some one that I can do things with. Who regardless how I look says I look good. Even if I'm pmsing, he still puts up with me. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but at this rate I honestly feel like I will be. I've never had one good relationship. I've either been cheated on, lied to, or abused by some one. I've learned from my mistakes...don't ever see some one you work with. That doesn't work. Especially if he has a temper problem. That is not a good combination. I can't trust any one anymore. The nicest people have turned on me so easily. Oh I didn't put out for them, so they won't talk to me. Okay...well that's very kind of you really. I don't feel like I can trust any male person anymore. The ones that I can trust again always end up hurting me.
I don't do this to people....why must I be hurt? I don't understand it. All I want is to be able to talk to you when I feel like we need to talk, I like communication and I feel that in order to have any type of friendship or relationship you have to have a good line of communication. Okay...if you can't take 5 minutes to call me and at least say hey i'm really busy I won't be able to see you tonight...then I guess we have no reason to see each other. Sometimes I wish that he had a computer and could read this stuff. But why have a computer when the only time your home is to sleep. I say that I am done doin this to myself...then I find some one new. And the whole thing once again repeats itself. I'm getting to the point where I don't even want to get out of bed. If I stay in bed or in hibernation away from people then I don't have to do this to myself and get to the point where all I want to do is stay in bed. I could actually enjoy life for once. But I don't. I don't because I'm tired of people who lie to me, and hurt me and stab me in the back. Why would you try to hurt some one?
I've lost a lot of really good friends. But the thing is, they don't seem to even notice. If they notice, then I guess that they don't care. Sometimes I just want to rip my hair out. Cause some pain. I'm surrendering myself. Now at this moment. I give up. Please take me for every thing that I am worth. Take me away from this horrid place I call my life. Please I beg you. For I am so weak and I have nothing left to give. I want to scream at the heavens and ask why. Why would you put me here on this earth to have me only suffer and be in pain. Is that your goal for me? To make me suffer? I know that I am a sinner, but I have not killed, nor have I stole, so why must I suffer like this, and be so un-happy? If this is your goal, then please I don't want it. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. I want happiness and love. I am done. I feel as if I can not ask for more. For one wish you can not grant, why should I ask for more dissapointment in my life?
I'm thinking, how long must I go until I find some one who can honestly say they like me, and I can say I like them. I think that I get there but something happens. Then the whole thing kinda just blows up in my face. There was a guy who I liked. I thought that he liked me in return, but I'm comming to the conclusion that he doesn't like me as much as I hoped for. I think his intensions are a little different than I would hope. Yes, he is a very busy man. He likes working all the time, and spending his off days with his son. How can I compete to that? I can't. Especially if he doesn't want me to. I enjoy the little things in relationships. The hugs, the words, the kisses. Just small things. I don't need money. I don't need jewlery or anything like that. I just want some of his time. The more that I sit here and think about it, the more that I realize how blind I was. I know that unless I call him, I will not hear from him. I've tried the whole well if I don't call him, he'll call me thing and it got me no where. He's not into relationships. That's fine. It's still nice to call some one every once in awhile and say hi. Don't tell me your gonna call me, and then don't.
The more I realize the truth, the more depressed I become. I would like my some one for once. I would like for some one to come in to my life for once and make me feel happy, make me feel loved. Don't use me for your pleasure. i've had enough of that in my past and I don't need it to happen to me anymore. Now I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself at all.
People have told me before that I have a way with people. Well maybe I do. But it's me. If you don't like me then go away. I am who I am and I'm not changing myself for anyone. I'm happy with the way that I am. I have a hard time trusting guys. I wonder why. If you know me well you know why. I have a thing for people who seem nice on the outside but things are very different on the inside. I want my some one. I want some one to say I love you for who you are, don't ever change. I don't wear make up to impress. I don't wear fancy clothes, I don't show off. I'm me. I love to do things, when I can. I like to go out on dates. But this person always works. We've gone out once. That's it. Every other time that I have seen him is while he is working. I like seeing him. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel good about myself. I would love to see him more often.
My friend told me to try to talk to him. I can't get him to call me, let alone talk to him about something important. he won't talk about his past. He loves his son which makes me happy. I think that it's great he is devoted to his son. I wish that he could see him more often, but then again when a person works as much as he does, it makes it hard to do anything.
I don't want to fall in love or anything like that right now. I just want some one that I can do things with. Who regardless how I look says I look good. Even if I'm pmsing, he still puts up with me. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but at this rate I honestly feel like I will be. I've never had one good relationship. I've either been cheated on, lied to, or abused by some one. I've learned from my mistakes...don't ever see some one you work with. That doesn't work. Especially if he has a temper problem. That is not a good combination. I can't trust any one anymore. The nicest people have turned on me so easily. Oh I didn't put out for them, so they won't talk to me. Okay...well that's very kind of you really. I don't feel like I can trust any male person anymore. The ones that I can trust again always end up hurting me.
I don't do this to people....why must I be hurt? I don't understand it. All I want is to be able to talk to you when I feel like we need to talk, I like communication and I feel that in order to have any type of friendship or relationship you have to have a good line of communication. Okay...if you can't take 5 minutes to call me and at least say hey i'm really busy I won't be able to see you tonight...then I guess we have no reason to see each other. Sometimes I wish that he had a computer and could read this stuff. But why have a computer when the only time your home is to sleep. I say that I am done doin this to myself...then I find some one new. And the whole thing once again repeats itself. I'm getting to the point where I don't even want to get out of bed. If I stay in bed or in hibernation away from people then I don't have to do this to myself and get to the point where all I want to do is stay in bed. I could actually enjoy life for once. But I don't. I don't because I'm tired of people who lie to me, and hurt me and stab me in the back. Why would you try to hurt some one?
I've lost a lot of really good friends. But the thing is, they don't seem to even notice. If they notice, then I guess that they don't care. Sometimes I just want to rip my hair out. Cause some pain. I'm surrendering myself. Now at this moment. I give up. Please take me for every thing that I am worth. Take me away from this horrid place I call my life. Please I beg you. For I am so weak and I have nothing left to give. I want to scream at the heavens and ask why. Why would you put me here on this earth to have me only suffer and be in pain. Is that your goal for me? To make me suffer? I know that I am a sinner, but I have not killed, nor have I stole, so why must I suffer like this, and be so un-happy? If this is your goal, then please I don't want it. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. I want happiness and love. I am done. I feel as if I can not ask for more. For one wish you can not grant, why should I ask for more dissapointment in my life?
