eek

So...I thought that the drama was over. I was so wrong!
Today I finally said good bye to my cowboy and put a woken dream back to sleep. That was ok. We both said goodbye and agreed that it was for the better. I can't end up gettin hurt, and I don't want to be hurt by him. He's a good kid. That was okay.
Then....one of my ex's calls. We've kinda been talking the past couple weeks. He wants to talk. So I let him talk. He needs closure. I once loved him. I still do. But I can't be with him. Those feelings are put away because what we had was in the past. It's gone. I care about him yes...But we are two different people. They say let sleeping dogs lie for a reason. So after being on the phone with him for like an hour, I'm tired from yelling.
I still have to go to work. Work was fun. Work was a relief. it got my mind of todays events. Plus I don't feel well. I haven't been feeling well. So if we get into an argument I am autimatically going to dismiss you for now because I don't feel good...Leave me alone and let me feel better and then we can talk lol. I can't waste my energy fighting because that is what happens when you don't feel well....I don't mean too much harm...lol.
I got into an argument with a friend about sex. He's the ex of my ex manager. He's sweet. But he is a typical guy. He wants some. Well we got in to it about that and he finally admitted that yeah he would love to have sex with me, but if he had to chose he would rather just have me as a person in his life to be able to get to know than have nothing at all. He said that he doesn't need me for that, and he doesn't have to get that from me if I'm not to that point with him. Okay so that argument turned out to be ok. He has been calling me everyday to see how I am. He also calls me everynight to say goodbye. He's been trying to get me come see him but he lives 25 minutes away and right now I don't have the money for gas for little road trips for fun. Anyways, I hope to be able to see him soon.
Then that leads me to the last and hopefully final dramatic event of the night which I am not going to go into because he reads these apparently and I'm not saying anything about it so I don't get words put in my mouth or so that words that I say can not be taken the wrong way.
Oh well.. I shouldbe in bed. I feel like crap. I think that I am getting an ear infection. I know that I got this from my manager. She's sick and she was my training manager so I know it's her fault......

Sweet Bliss

Well,
Today was pretty good. I was in a much better mood today than I was last night. I worked today for a while. It was fun. Being in this small little store with all these sweet smelling smells....It's wonderful. I love it. I learned how to ring today. It was so easy. I did a lot on the register today for being my first day on register. It's pretty fun. The customers are so nice. I hope that it stays like this through out the holidays. It's very peaceful. I know where I will be doing my holiday shopping. Only because I get a good discount and I love the stuff and so does my family lol. What sucks the most is that I had to go clothes shopping for my new job. I wasn't expecting that. But I was able to get a few tops pretty cheap until I can get to the mall and use my discount. I'm not complaining though. I've just gotten used to wearing the same uniform every day for 3 years lol. Oh well.
Today has been pretty easy going, minus the early phone call I got this morning waking me up from a very nice deep sleep. I haven't been sleeping well and I didn't wanna move this morning. Oh well, it was a very unexpected phone call. Now I'm just doing my daily routine-cleaning up after everyone. Well I should say after two people who live in the basement who are so freaking lazy I would be embarrassed if I were them. We have money to go drinking but we can't pay rent or pay food money. Then I'm gonna lie straight to my dads face. They make me so angry. I hope they never reproduce. Ugh. Whatever.
I've decided that I have way to many animals. 4 hamsters, a bird, a chinchilla and fish and now apparently I have a dog...I don't mind the dog. I love her to death. She's so sweet. I should only have two hamsters.. But no lazy ass down stairs can't take care of them. You know when there are bugs in the bedding...they haven't been taken care of. And she wants kids? Yeah right.
Okay...the fish I really don't do much...they just swim.. But the others...I don't have enough time for them...My bird is pretty easy to entertain..just leave the tv on and he's good. Chewie the chinchilla though- she likes to run...but when I let her run she tries to pee on me... Ah..I can't win with these animals. And last night Brittney almost puked on me....I spoil these animals and I get bodily fluids on me....ick. Oh well.
I'm pretty excited. A good friend of mine suggested that we go on a hike. Now the place that we'll be hiking at I use to go to as a child for camp. I love this place. It's no peaceful and so pretty. I used to love going there as a child. But once I moved further away it got harder to go. I've always wanted to go back. So I love the idea of going back for a nice hike. Yeah it'll be cold but it'll be worth it. I can always clear my head there because of the simplicity of the place...I always leave there feeling better and refreshed. I have some of the best memories there. Most of my pictures of my closest friends are from there. It is a wonderful place. It's a church camp so that's a nother nice thing about wanting to go. I've been trying to go to church weekly and get back to the way that I once was with my faith. So that is one thing that I am most def. looking forward too. It'll be nice for me to go before I start school. That way I can really clear my head.
So many things... ah oh well things are going pretty good. It'll be nice once I start school. My grandma offered to pay my rent once I start school. That's how bad she wants me to go. My mom didn't finish jack when she was growing up so she's pretty excited to know that I'm going. My sisters may not be able to go because my mom is stupid and can't take care of them like she should be doing. I'm so glad that she didn't raise me.
Anyways...that will help me with saving money if I don't have to worry about rent. And my aunt is going to buy me a computer before I start school. This computer is a 95... it's pretty old. Sometimes I can see what I'm typing apear after I've stopped typing... lol. It's pretty funny but it's very very frustrating sometimes. I can't wait for that to happen. Oh well. I think that's enough for now...This is one long entry....

Let you go

I need to let you go
I need to say goodbye
I need to watch you fly away
Maybe one day we'll meet agin
Until then I need to let you go

Don't cry
It'll be okay
Please don't look back
This is for the best
You'll be happier
Once I let you go

I can't come
You have to go alone
Don't be scared
It'll be okay
Your better off with out me
I have to let you go

You'll find some one else
I promise you'll be happy
You'll be complete
When I let you go

Goodbye

Oh Lord...

When I was a little girl, I had dreams of living on a farm. I loved horses and I wanted them when I was little. I told myself that when I grew up I was going to own them and ride them and have a farm and animals all be a cowgirl. Well some where along the line, I grew up and forgot that. About a month and half ago I met some one actually on here. He's a cowboy. He's sweet, good looking and downright special. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. I'm not affraid to be myself to him. I feel like I could pour my heart and soul out to him and he would nuture it and take care of it with great respect. He's everything that I have ever wanted in a guy. He's one of a kind. I love his voice. I love his smile. He's not shy to call me sweetie and he says sorry if he feels that he offended me. He likes to do the things that I have always wanted to either learn to do or do again. We want the same things outta life and out of some one. The problem is I'm falling for him. I've never met him. I've seen him and I've heard him. We've talked for many hours getting to know each other. Yes there is still much to learn about each other. I'm not in love with him. I'm just really startin to fall for him And talking to him brings out the country side of me. And that is who I am. I am country. I hate Ohio. I wanna have a huge farm and raise animals and work hard. I wanna get up early and go feed the piggies. That's what I want. I love the sound of that. I want a huge farm. I wanna be able to go out and ride my horse whenever I feel like it. I wanna just ride and forget about things for awhile. Just feel the wind in my face and clear my head. I had forgotten about my dreams. The past few years everyone asks me what I want and I could never honestly answer them. I could never pick a topic for school and be comfortable going to school and getting a degree in it and I still don't. Then I met my cowboy and all of a sudden my dreams came very clear to me. Thats what I want. I know it sounds crazy. But I've always wanted a cowboy to take care of. He works hard and I wanna take care of him. Now the other problem that I face is, he's in Oklahoma. Like I said he's a cowboy. He really is. He's about 12 hours away. And he has already said that he doesn't think he could date some one who lives this far away. I don't think I could either. We did discuss meeting. We could meet half way. That way it would be cheaper and less time traveling and more time together. He thought it was a good idea. Now I just need money. I need money for more than just that. I need money for my bills. I have to look at getting a second job. My job now is only seasonal. But I still need a job that I can start at now, and then hopefully pick up more hours after the season is over and I am doen with my current job. Wow. Okay so thats the stuff that was on my mind that I noted in my other blog. Well the dog is finally quiet and I'm awide awake now.....

The chance I take

Everyone Says you'll break my heart
Put out the fire before it starts
You'll string me along and then cut me loose
But I don't care what they say about you

My heart's got a history
Of letting love get the best of me
'Cause I can't hide the way I feel
When I'm fallin in love it's always head over heels

It's the chance I take
It's the chance I take
I bet it on this heart of mine
I might even get lucky this time
Let the chips fall where they may
I'm a fool for love it's the chance I take

Just when I say never again
I'm throwin' caution to the wind
Nothing ventured nothing gained
The only way to win is to stay in the game

I've been on the looking end
But I still wanna love again
I sweep up the pieces when my heart breaks
Put it back together it's the chance I take

I'm a fool for love it's the chance I take
I'm a fool for love it's the chance I take

Friday night rocked

Well yesterday was awesome! I had so much fun. First I had to go through alot of stuff because I have way to much stuff. So I went through and got about two boxes of stuff to get rid of....that took acouple hours but I had to do it...that was most of my day...then we cooked the best steak last night oh my gosh it was so good.... we had a feast last night! It was so good.. After that my friend Tricia picked me up and we to a high school football game...neither one of us had been back since we graduated so we went back....it was crazy. Literally. The stadium so packed....we had to park in a neighborhood and walk...they were sold out. I never remember a game being sold out the whole 4 years I was in high school....and they re-did the stadium..it looks awesome. brand new field and lots of stuff. It looked great. After that we went to Steak and Shake for shakes. Now every time I go there I have to get a Frisco melt even though I wasn't really hungry I had to get one... we stayed there and talked for awhile which was nice. It was nice sitting and talking. It was over all a great night!

positive note

Things are going so well. I couldn't be more happier than I am right now. I can't believe how quitting my job could make me so happy. I'm so glad that I got out of that place. I'm working some place much smaller and the atmosphere is so different. People there actually seem to care about my learning process and that I am doing well. So far I love it.

I am so excited for tomorrow night! I am going back to Sycamore! Only for a football game....but I stil get to go with one of my really good friends Tricia. I love Tricia only because she gives a damn about me and the stuff that goes on in my life and gives me advice and listens when I need to talk. I don't know what I would have done with out Tricia at some points. She was there for me 100% with awesome advice. She really helped me pull through. Thanks Tricia. We're gonna have so much fun! I can't wait.

I am also happy because I found some one who I can talk to and be myself too. He's awesome and a great person. He makes me laugh and smile more than I can ever remember doing. I have been through some tough shit and for once I found a friend who doesnt let that shit get in the way.. He looks beyond it. He looks at me as a real person. I enjoy that. He's gonna make some girl the happiest girl some day.

Well that is my update for now. Things are going great like I said. i'm a much happier and stress less almost stress free person. My body is actually staring to feel better, maybe one day all the pain will be gone from working my ass off in a hell hole for 3 years that at a drop of a pin will screw you over. I hate that place...I don't even think I can go back to shop... wow thats pretty sad. Oh well. I got out thank god.

Peaceful...

Today was such a good day. I went to church today with my friend Dan. He goes to a catholic church and thought that he would see what the one I go to was like. Funny thing though, they both have the same name. He said they'vre very different from each other. After church we went out to lunch which was very good. We went to a nice little place in Kenwood. I didn't do much when I got home except take a nap. I didn't sleep well last night but I'm not sure why. I got home kinda late from babysitting which I didn't mind at all. Tonight we grilled out, chicken and egg salad and macaroni salad...It was so good. Linda and I made up this really good bbq sauce...yummy! That's about it for my day. It was a good day. My stress level is so much better now that I'm not working where I was. I feel so much better. I feel like I can fly almost, I feel like I have so much stuff lifted off my shouldars. It's a great feeling. Hopefully tomorrow I'll hear about my job offer. I can't wait. I'm going to have a lot of fun working there. And I get to wear nice clothes and I don't have to worry about getting gross.

My prayer of Confidence

I was having a conversation the other day with some one and the subject of our favorite verse/chapter in the bible came up. We got on the topic of Psalms. I couldn't remember the exact chapter, for it's been awhile since I've read anything in the Psalms book but I looked it up. I always feel better once I write or type something down. Psalms 16 is my favorite I think. It's a Prayer of Confidence. These are just some lines I like the most.

Protect me, O God; I trust in you for safety.
I say to the Lord, "You are my Lord; all the good things I have come from you."
How excellent are the Lord's faithful people!
My greatest pleasure is to be with them.
Those who rush to other gods only bring troubles on themselves.
I will not take part in their sacrifices;
I will not worship their Gods.

You will show me the path that least to life;
your presence fills me with joy and brings me pleasure foever.

Psalms 18 David's Song of Victory

The Lord is my protector;
he is my strong fortress.
My God is my protection, and with him I am safe.
He protects me like a sheild;
he defends me and keeps me safe.

Those are some of my favorite lines that hit home. I usually make up my own prayers as I go along, but I once knew these as a younger child. I haven't been reading much like I should be, which hopefully I can change. I'm getting better, slowly but surely.

Burr!

I woke up this morning freezing! I love but I hate this kind of weather. It's so pretty outside. But in order to be comfortable;e and not freeze ya gotta bundle up. The wind is what gets me. I love curling up on the couch though with a good book underneath a warm blanket. Winter is coming whether we like it or not. I can't believe how much my life has changed. Mostly for the better. I seem to be in a good place. I'm alive and well. That's all that matters. Things could be worse. I have my car back and it's working well. Granted I don't have a job right now, but the stress that has been lifted is remarkable. I feel happy and normal for once. I feel human. I haven't felt like this is such a long time. I'm sitting here looking out the window and I'm watching one of our cats across the street rolling around in the driveway. She's happy and free. I guess that's how I feel. So what I don't have a guy... I don't need one and I guess right now I don't want one. They complicate things. They compicate your judgement if your not ready for one. Oh well. All in all things are going great, hopefully they will only get better.

[Edit] [Delete] [View Comme

My universal prayer.

My God, I believe in Thee;
do Thou strengthen my faith.
All my hopes are in Thee;
do Thou secure them.
I love Thee with my whole heart;
teach me to love Thee daily more and more.
I am sorry that I have offended Thee;
do Thou increase my sorrow.

I adore Thee as my first beginning.
I aspire after Thee as my last end.
I give Thee thanks as my constant Benefactor.
I call upon Thee as my sovereign Protector.
Vouchsafe,
O my God,
to conduct me by Thy wisdom,
to restrain me by Thy justice,
to conform me by Thy mercy,
and to defend me by Thy power.

To Thee I desire to consecrate all my thoughts,
words, actions, and sufferings;
that henceforward I may think of Thee,
speak of Thee,
willingly refer all my actions to Thy greater glory,
and suffer willingly whatever Thou shalt appoint.

Lord, I desire that in all things Thy will may be done;
because it is Thy will,
and in the manner that Thou willest.

I beg of Thee to enlighten my understanding,
to inflame my will,
to purify my body,
and to sanctify my soul.

Give me strength, O my God,
to expiate my offences,
to overcome temptations,
to subdue my passions,
and to acquire the virtues proper for my state.

Fill my heart with tender affection for Thy goodness,
hatred for my faults,
love for my neighbour,
and contempt of the world.

May Thy grace help me to be submissive to my superiors,
condescending to my inferiors,
faithful to my friends,
and charitable to my enemies.

Assist me to overcome sensuality by mortification,
avarice by alms-deeds,
anger by meekness,
and tepidity by devotion.

O my God, make my prudent in my undertakings,
courageous in dangers,
patient in afflictions,
and humble in prosperity.
Grant that I may be ever attentive at my prayers,
temperate at my meals,
diligent in my employments,
and constant in my resolutions.

Let my conscience be ever upright and pure,
my exterior modest,
my conversation edifying,
and my conduct steady.

Assist me, that I may continually labour to overcome nature,
to correspond with Thy grace,
to keep Thy commandments,
and to work out my salvation.

Discover to me, O my God,
the nothingness of this world,
the greatness of heaven,
the shortness of time,
and the length of eternity.

Grant that I may prepare for death,
that I may fear Thy judgments,
that I may escape hell,
and in the end, obtain heaven;
through the merits of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Amen.

It's official...

Posted Date: : Oct 8, 2006 6:06 PM

Well, it's official...I am no longer working at Petsmart. I went in today and said my goodbyes to people who were working. I wasn't really that sad. I need to get out of there anyways. I can go someplace better where management actually cares about the employees. I'm gonna take a couple days to myself and just relax. My stress level is very high, especially these past few days.

I went to church today. It was different going by myself. I enjoyed being there. It was good for me to go. I needed it. I needed the forgiveness and the silence. As crazy as that sounds together, that's what I look forward too. My faith gets stronger and stronger every day. Week by week I'm forgiven and my soul is cleansed. I feel so much better. I feel safe. As always I pray for those around me.

I came home and watched tv for the first time in awhile. It was strange being here in the house all alone and actually being able to watch tv. I groomed the dog and talked to some one who I haven't talked to for awhile. He seems to be doing good. We've been through a lot and I actually got to the point where I didn't want to even talk to him. But of course he had his own problems. But we promised to keep in touch now that I won't see him at work. I don't see him much anyways, and I'm not really ready to see him. Yeah I care about him, but we're better off keeping distance. I washed my car for the first time in awhile. She was so dirty from being at the shop. She was disgusting actually. I bonded with her for awhile, since I haven't had her for about three weeks. And here I am now. All in all today was a good day. I was able to get some things done. I got alot of thinking done too. Who my friends are and who I can really count on in a time of need. They're not the people that I though they were. I think that me leaving Petsmart was the right thing at the right time. I can leave those who need to be left behind, behind where they belong.

Time for change...

I think it's time for change. I ended up getting sent home from work today early because I got so frustrated with the people that I work with because no one can help me. They put all this shit on me, and yet when I need help they are in their own little worlds. So I got so far behind. It was obvious that I needed help and they just stood there at times watching me struggle. So as I was getting sent home I told them that this was the first day of my two weeks and I walked out. I refuse to be walked all over and treated like I'm a slave. It's time for a change, I need a new job. I've been there for 3 years and it's 3 years too long.

Thunder

Posted Date: : Oct 5, 2006 1:31 AM

I'm sitting here at 2:30 in the morning and I haven't quite figured out why I'm still sitting here. Then I realized that I was listening to the thunder. It's very peaceful. Things will be okay. I have to just wait it out. I'm due for some changes. I think me coloring my hair started it. I am ready for change. So bring on the rain and let that thunder roll.

I beg you

On my way home from Val's apartment tonight I heard a song on the radio and I got to thinking. I go through this every once in awhile, and I guess that this song kinda triggered it. I kinda grew up listening to this song and many others like it. It's one of my favorite songs by the artist. But anyways, I got to thinking about my situations with guys. I've never had good luck with guys. The ones that really like me, I can't say I felt the same about them in return. The ones that I came to like couldn't say the same thing about me in return.
I'm thinking, how long must I go until I find some one who can honestly say they like me, and I can say I like them. I think that I get there but something happens. Then the whole thing kinda just blows up in my face. There was a guy who I liked. I thought that he liked me in return, but I'm comming to the conclusion that he doesn't like me as much as I hoped for. I think his intensions are a little different than I would hope. Yes, he is a very busy man. He likes working all the time, and spending his off days with his son. How can I compete to that? I can't. Especially if he doesn't want me to. I enjoy the little things in relationships. The hugs, the words, the kisses. Just small things. I don't need money. I don't need jewlery or anything like that. I just want some of his time. The more that I sit here and think about it, the more that I realize how blind I was. I know that unless I call him, I will not hear from him. I've tried the whole well if I don't call him, he'll call me thing and it got me no where. He's not into relationships. That's fine. It's still nice to call some one every once in awhile and say hi. Don't tell me your gonna call me, and then don't.
The more I realize the truth, the more depressed I become. I would like my some one for once. I would like for some one to come in to my life for once and make me feel happy, make me feel loved. Don't use me for your pleasure. i've had enough of that in my past and I don't need it to happen to me anymore. Now I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself at all.
People have told me before that I have a way with people. Well maybe I do. But it's me. If you don't like me then go away. I am who I am and I'm not changing myself for anyone. I'm happy with the way that I am. I have a hard time trusting guys. I wonder why. If you know me well you know why. I have a thing for people who seem nice on the outside but things are very different on the inside. I want my some one. I want some one to say I love you for who you are, don't ever change. I don't wear make up to impress. I don't wear fancy clothes, I don't show off. I'm me. I love to do things, when I can. I like to go out on dates. But this person always works. We've gone out once. That's it. Every other time that I have seen him is while he is working. I like seeing him. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel good about myself. I would love to see him more often.
My friend told me to try to talk to him. I can't get him to call me, let alone talk to him about something important. he won't talk about his past. He loves his son which makes me happy. I think that it's great he is devoted to his son. I wish that he could see him more often, but then again when a person works as much as he does, it makes it hard to do anything.
I don't want to fall in love or anything like that right now. I just want some one that I can do things with. Who regardless how I look says I look good. Even if I'm pmsing, he still puts up with me. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but at this rate I honestly feel like I will be. I've never had one good relationship. I've either been cheated on, lied to, or abused by some one. I've learned from my mistakes...don't ever see some one you work with. That doesn't work. Especially if he has a temper problem. That is not a good combination. I can't trust any one anymore. The nicest people have turned on me so easily. Oh I didn't put out for them, so they won't talk to me. Okay...well that's very kind of you really. I don't feel like I can trust any male person anymore. The ones that I can trust again always end up hurting me.
I don't do this to people....why must I be hurt? I don't understand it. All I want is to be able to talk to you when I feel like we need to talk, I like communication and I feel that in order to have any type of friendship or relationship you have to have a good line of communication. Okay...if you can't take 5 minutes to call me and at least say hey i'm really busy I won't be able to see you tonight...then I guess we have no reason to see each other. Sometimes I wish that he had a computer and could read this stuff. But why have a computer when the only time your home is to sleep. I say that I am done doin this to myself...then I find some one new. And the whole thing once again repeats itself. I'm getting to the point where I don't even want to get out of bed. If I stay in bed or in hibernation away from people then I don't have to do this to myself and get to the point where all I want to do is stay in bed. I could actually enjoy life for once. But I don't. I don't because I'm tired of people who lie to me, and hurt me and stab me in the back. Why would you try to hurt some one?
I've lost a lot of really good friends. But the thing is, they don't seem to even notice. If they notice, then I guess that they don't care. Sometimes I just want to rip my hair out. Cause some pain. I'm surrendering myself. Now at this moment. I give up. Please take me for every thing that I am worth. Take me away from this horrid place I call my life. Please I beg you. For I am so weak and I have nothing left to give. I want to scream at the heavens and ask why. Why would you put me here on this earth to have me only suffer and be in pain. Is that your goal for me? To make me suffer? I know that I am a sinner, but I have not killed, nor have I stole, so why must I suffer like this, and be so un-happy? If this is your goal, then please I don't want it. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. I want happiness and love. I am done. I feel as if I can not ask for more. For one wish you can not grant, why should I ask for more dissapointment in my life?

I don't know

I don't know what mood I'm in right now. I want to cry but I want to scream. I want to curl up in a little ball but at the same time I want to run. I want to run away and never return to this place where I feel so uncomfortable. I can't sit still, but yet I want to lie down and go to sleep. I push and I push until there is nothing left to push. I back away until I drown. I give and I give and I give only to get nothing in return...not even a simple phone call....I'm tired but yet I am wide a wake. I am so confused but yet I want to fight. I want to yell at you. I want to tell you how I really feel but yet come morning I'll regret for those feelings that I feel now will no longer exist. I want to lie in your arms at night and feel protected for once in my stupid miserable pathedic life...but you don't cuddle. I would love to hear your voice right now, but you don't call. I feel my self slowly losing energy that I so desperately need these days to just wake up. My eyes open every morning and maybe once my dream will come true...I'll no longer be here. I'll be where I should be right now...far far away from here. Maybe one day I'll find what I am so desperately looking for. For I am not finding it here. I am from what it seems looking in the wrong place with the wrong people. I see the smiling faces, but yet I feel as if their eyes are full of hate and despair.. full of back stabbing and lies. False sense of caring. False people. I'm tired of the fakes. I'm tired of the if you need anything call me bull shit that I put up with every day of my life. Some times I want people to leave me alone. Other times those who leave me alone the most seem so far away I get scared that they'll drift away so far they won't come back. They say if you set it free and it's meant to be it'll come back...that's a bunch of bull. Life these days is a bunch of bull.