It's been 8 months. 8 months since I made a choice that would change my life again. Walking out. Restarting. Learning to live again. Single motherhood. Dealing with a child who misses her dad, and doesn't understand. They are all things that I've been dealing with. Learning to be me. The me that was lost a while ago. Of course I don't know if she will ever come back out again, but I have to try. I know that she will emerge again, but maybe not as who I once remember but some one new. I have to start dealing, and start talking. I'm tired of keeping things inside. How do we heal, with out dealing? We don't. We can't. We can't learn to deal and heal until we come to terms with what we are facing on the inside. Coming to terms with things that bother us, or affect us is something that we have to do. Learning to stand on my own two feet is something that I have to do. I have to. Learning to be my own person. It's harder than I thought. It's scary. I think sometimes I do have a tendency of over complicating things. I have treated this situation as if it was something that I didn't have to or need to talk about. I have the right to talk about things. I have the right for closure regardless if I need it or not. I am not sure if I need it or not. This break up went down with out fighting, and was very one sided. I wanted to get through this with out fighting. I wanted to be the bigger person. I've always relied on a good fight however to release some frustration. I think that until I come to terms with things nothing will change in my life. I build walls and I control what I want people to know. I control what I want people to have access too. I share what I want. I am very afraid of getting hurt again. I know that it is always a possibility. Why are we so afraid of getting hurt? The ones who we hurt are the ones who treated us the best. Usually that's how it works. I have become so tired of being hurt that I don't want to feel anymore. I would rather not feel than be hurt. I know that it's something that I have to deal with. I have to come to terms with that and I have to fix it. No one can fix it for me. I have to. People can help of course, but in the end I have to make the choice. I am smart, I just don't want to accept it yet. I don't want to accept that I have to deal with my feelings. I was hurt. I brushed it under the rug like nothing happened. That's the frame of thinking that I have come so used to over the past few years.
I also have to get used to the fact that I have a child who has been through hell and back the past few months. She went from having two parents to having one. Her father doesn't see her. He doesn't call. That is hard on her. Sometimes I think that I should say something, I should call him out. But fighting isn't what I want. I don't want to fight. We fought too long. No more fighting. I don't want to be with some one who I fight with. I'm tired of fighting. I am ok with being single. I'm ok not having anyone to answer to. I'm ok with that. I miss having that person, that physical person though. Looking back at pictures stirs feelings. I feel foolish for pretending for so long that everything was ok. I knew deep down that it wasn't.
