Yesterday was so emotionally draining. Very emotional. We had a few melt downs that were pretty bad. She ended up falling outside and scraping her knee and her arm. Well she wouldn't let me get even 5 feet near it to even look. Ran around the house screaming. I tried to calm her down. I tried to talk to her. I tried ignoring her. I tried hugging her. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't handle the lying. She is lying bad. She then turns around and thinks that it's funny. I try to explain to her that its not funny. Its mean and people don't like that. She doesn't understand that. She's young but she needs to start understanding that she can't be mean. She has the attitude that she can do whatever she wants and that it's OK. Or that she can do whatever she wants and it's not her fault if something happens.
She's going to visit her dad this weekend. I am hoping that being with him will help her in some way. She does listen to him. She minds him a lot better than me. I am hoping that her hearing him say it will help. I need something to happen. May 5th can't come fast enough! I need something to help. I am liking the support that I get from people. Knowing what to do and what questions need to be asked helps. I am sure that we can get her on the right track. We just have to know where to go.
Knowing now I think can help her for first grade. We have a lot of work to this summer. I know that she is smart. She is very smart. But she can't focus enough to test well. She just went through her site words and spelled them for me with out looking at the paper. That is a huge accomplishment for her. I am very happy that she do that. I am very happy.
Today has been an OK day. I noticed that when she started to like she was going to throw a fit or start being difficult, I actually just changed the topic and I noticed that she stopped. It was OK. I was happy.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
New journey
I can say that this journey scares me. This is a journey for April and myself and of course those around us. I noticed a few changes in her behavior a while back and figured that it had to do with all the changes. She started school and wasn't doing to good. I noticed her attention was horrible. After the meltdowns started I knew something was up. We're still going through the meltdowns, some days worse than others. But now we're on the lying. She lies, and then proceeds to think that it's funny. She doesn't like being told what to do and if you push the issue too much you get a meltdown.
I'm emotionally drained. I feel horrible as a parent knowing that I can't do much for her right now because I have no idea what to do. I made an appointment after enough procrastination and hopefully we can get some help. She struggles with her attention span big time. Obviously there is some ADD going on, but possibly some ODD. It's scary. She's the one who is loud in the restaurant and will flip out on me and start screaming. Of course everyone has to look and stare. I hate it. I try my best to keep her calm and quiet. It doesn't always work. She's going through the not listening stage. It drive me nuts. Half the time I want to just scream at her. I want to cry and just give up. But, I know that it has to bother her. She's made comments before about not liking how she acts. There are times where she just blurts out the most random things. She can't stop and listen. She has to almost finish everything she wants to say first, and then will acknowledge that I want to say something.
Some say that oh it's just a stage, or it her age. Be firm, stop it now. Well, it's not that easy. Yelling makes her scream louder, ignoring her makes her more repetitive, talking to her makes her more frustrated. This child will throw herself on the ground and literally have a meltdown, with the kicking and the screaming.
Getting dressed is a nightmare. I dread that part of the day... every single day. Seeing some OCD tendencies in this child. She will only wear certain shirts, and certain pants. The shirts have to fit a certain way or yet again, meltdown. The pants have to fit a certain way, or again meltdown. The socks are the worst. They can't have the lines or she screams. This child would wear the same outfit literally every single day if I let her. I have to hold her down sometimes to peel off her socks.
She's mean too. Not all the time. But she's starting to mean and then of course blames others when they no longer want anything to do with her. She's full of anger from not having her dad around and of course she's taking it out on others. She's pushed a few times, pinched a few times, and spit. When I hear these things, it makes me sad. It makes wonder what I did wrong. Could I have done something different? I don't know. All I know is that this child needs help. I need help to deal and help her. I do have a good support team who understands that something is going on and we all want to find out what is going on with her.
I am excited for her doctors appointment and yet scared at the same time. I want a healthy normal child. But, is there such a thing a normal child these days? I know that I don't feel normal. How can I expect my child to be normal if I don't feel normal?
I'm emotionally drained. I feel horrible as a parent knowing that I can't do much for her right now because I have no idea what to do. I made an appointment after enough procrastination and hopefully we can get some help. She struggles with her attention span big time. Obviously there is some ADD going on, but possibly some ODD. It's scary. She's the one who is loud in the restaurant and will flip out on me and start screaming. Of course everyone has to look and stare. I hate it. I try my best to keep her calm and quiet. It doesn't always work. She's going through the not listening stage. It drive me nuts. Half the time I want to just scream at her. I want to cry and just give up. But, I know that it has to bother her. She's made comments before about not liking how she acts. There are times where she just blurts out the most random things. She can't stop and listen. She has to almost finish everything she wants to say first, and then will acknowledge that I want to say something.
Some say that oh it's just a stage, or it her age. Be firm, stop it now. Well, it's not that easy. Yelling makes her scream louder, ignoring her makes her more repetitive, talking to her makes her more frustrated. This child will throw herself on the ground and literally have a meltdown, with the kicking and the screaming.
Getting dressed is a nightmare. I dread that part of the day... every single day. Seeing some OCD tendencies in this child. She will only wear certain shirts, and certain pants. The shirts have to fit a certain way or yet again, meltdown. The pants have to fit a certain way, or again meltdown. The socks are the worst. They can't have the lines or she screams. This child would wear the same outfit literally every single day if I let her. I have to hold her down sometimes to peel off her socks.
She's mean too. Not all the time. But she's starting to mean and then of course blames others when they no longer want anything to do with her. She's full of anger from not having her dad around and of course she's taking it out on others. She's pushed a few times, pinched a few times, and spit. When I hear these things, it makes me sad. It makes wonder what I did wrong. Could I have done something different? I don't know. All I know is that this child needs help. I need help to deal and help her. I do have a good support team who understands that something is going on and we all want to find out what is going on with her.
I am excited for her doctors appointment and yet scared at the same time. I want a healthy normal child. But, is there such a thing a normal child these days? I know that I don't feel normal. How can I expect my child to be normal if I don't feel normal?
Single Life
It's been 8 months. 8 months since I made a choice that would change my life again. Walking out. Restarting. Learning to live again. Single motherhood. Dealing with a child who misses her dad, and doesn't understand. They are all things that I've been dealing with. Learning to be me. The me that was lost a while ago. Of course I don't know if she will ever come back out again, but I have to try. I know that she will emerge again, but maybe not as who I once remember but some one new. I have to start dealing, and start talking. I'm tired of keeping things inside. How do we heal, with out dealing? We don't. We can't. We can't learn to deal and heal until we come to terms with what we are facing on the inside. Coming to terms with things that bother us, or affect us is something that we have to do. Learning to stand on my own two feet is something that I have to do. I have to. Learning to be my own person. It's harder than I thought. It's scary. I think sometimes I do have a tendency of over complicating things. I have treated this situation as if it was something that I didn't have to or need to talk about. I have the right to talk about things. I have the right for closure regardless if I need it or not. I am not sure if I need it or not. This break up went down with out fighting, and was very one sided. I wanted to get through this with out fighting. I wanted to be the bigger person. I've always relied on a good fight however to release some frustration. I think that until I come to terms with things nothing will change in my life. I build walls and I control what I want people to know. I control what I want people to have access too. I share what I want. I am very afraid of getting hurt again. I know that it is always a possibility. Why are we so afraid of getting hurt? The ones who we hurt are the ones who treated us the best. Usually that's how it works. I have become so tired of being hurt that I don't want to feel anymore. I would rather not feel than be hurt. I know that it's something that I have to deal with. I have to come to terms with that and I have to fix it. No one can fix it for me. I have to. People can help of course, but in the end I have to make the choice. I am smart, I just don't want to accept it yet. I don't want to accept that I have to deal with my feelings. I was hurt. I brushed it under the rug like nothing happened. That's the frame of thinking that I have come so used to over the past few years.
I also have to get used to the fact that I have a child who has been through hell and back the past few months. She went from having two parents to having one. Her father doesn't see her. He doesn't call. That is hard on her. Sometimes I think that I should say something, I should call him out. But fighting isn't what I want. I don't want to fight. We fought too long. No more fighting. I don't want to be with some one who I fight with. I'm tired of fighting. I am ok with being single. I'm ok not having anyone to answer to. I'm ok with that. I miss having that person, that physical person though. Looking back at pictures stirs feelings. I feel foolish for pretending for so long that everything was ok. I knew deep down that it wasn't.
I also have to get used to the fact that I have a child who has been through hell and back the past few months. She went from having two parents to having one. Her father doesn't see her. He doesn't call. That is hard on her. Sometimes I think that I should say something, I should call him out. But fighting isn't what I want. I don't want to fight. We fought too long. No more fighting. I don't want to be with some one who I fight with. I'm tired of fighting. I am ok with being single. I'm ok not having anyone to answer to. I'm ok with that. I miss having that person, that physical person though. Looking back at pictures stirs feelings. I feel foolish for pretending for so long that everything was ok. I knew deep down that it wasn't.
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