No Smoking

Well, I've been smoke free for almost two weeks. I am loving it. I don't even want to be in it, or around it. I feel so much better. I feel way better. I am cooking better. I am fixing veggies every night. I'm loving it. I am fixing less meat, and more veggies. I try to pack my lunch every day.  I try to pack a small snack for break and then a good lunch.  I'm trying to walk more. Things are going good as of right now :)

We got a WII

I'm so excited.  We finally got a WII.  I know it's not the new thing anymore.  But I love it.  It's fun.  It's cool.  And it's something that we do together.  It's cool.  Plus with winter coming it'll give me something to do.  I want to get the work out games so bad...Yay...

An answer finally?

From about the time of puberty I noticed a change in myself. I looked at everything differently. I read differently. I watched differently, I even listened and spoke differently. At least in my mind. My mind always reminded me of the films that have the snips and the cuts from many different scenes. I got used to it. I learned how to deal with it.

In high school I noticed it getting worse. Again, I adapted. I struggled. I always struggled with the reading and the taking the time to write and discuss the material. Don't get me wrong, I love reading, and I love writing. But I haven't enjoyed it for some time now. I find it so hard to sit down and do something that I enjoy. Why? Why can't I sit down and enjoy something?

I'm all over the place sometimes. My attitude used to be so happy. I always wanted to help others, no matter what. Now, it takes everything I have to just focus on me. I constantly fidget. It drives me insane. It is little simple things. I have watched the same show series for several years... We're talking like 6 years... pretty much same time... same channel... All of a sudden I forget. No matter how hard I try, I can't remember that my favorite show comes on. Half way through the season it occurs to me that I haven't watched a single episode. I know it's nothing big. But the fact is, it bugs me. I have so many things going on in my mind that I can't even begin to think about how to separate anything.

The smallest things seem to set me off. I come home and find dirty dishes on the table and it pisses me off. But the fact that my daughter just threw my key less remote to my car in the water for who knows how long, doesn't even phase me. The fact that it's no longer working, fried most likely-nothing. I'm fine with it. Cool as can be. But the little things.... ugh.

Anyways, I'm hoping for some answers. I'm pretty sure I know what it is. I contacted my doctor and I'm hoping that she can get me in this week. I sure hope that this is an answer to an ongoing question... a question that I thought would never get an answer. A never ending question. It's caused so much stress and so much heartache in my life.

I always thought that it was me. That I had complete control and will power. I started to think that somewhere in my mind I was making me like this. I thought like I have for a very long time that it's been my fault. It's always been my fault. Even from those who should be loving me and helping me, tell me it's me. Why can't I change? I'm tired of being asked the question with no possible answer. Well, it's time now for me to get the answer.

Potty Training.

I am so proud of April. She is doing so good with potty training. We haven't really had any accidents at home during the day. It's so nice only using a few pull ups a day... they are lasting a lot longer now. I think a box lasts almost a month. All we have to do is start working on her when we are away from home. But, if people aren't going to work with her then it's pointless until she's older... But we're not giving up. She's already staying dry through naps. She's going and sitting on the potty all by herself and going. It's not something that happens over night. It's going good though.

Coming up on three years old.....

Well, we're only a few weeks away from April turning three. I can't get over how much she has grown. We're working on potty training and learning things. She's learning new words, new phrases, and lots of others things. And of course things I wish she wasn't learning...like a few bad words.... but luckily she doesn't say them often. Yet lol...

We're going through a phase right now of her being difficult with night time, and lights. She wants her night lights on now. Before it was just the small one, but now it's the bigger ones. But, as soon as I turn them on she pretty much gets in bed and goes to sleep. Sometimes she plays in her room for a bit, but then she gets in bed and goes to sleep all on her own. It doesn't bother me too much.

She is becoming more and more independent. Wants to do mostly everything on her own. But, when she can't she does get frustrated. She gets frustrated very easily sometimes. But it's a part of growing up. She's becoming very whiny. Which in return irritates the crap out of me.

I am hoping that will change soon. I am waiting to hear back from the doctor too see if I can go back on a medicine that really helped with my anxiety, and my stress. It helped with the mood swings and my eating. It decreased my appetite just to where it was normal. I lost some weight but not too much. It helped me stay calm, and relax. When I'm relaxed I can think and my thoughts are not all over the place like they have been lately. That drives me nuts. I hate not being able to get my thoughts in order.

I feel like I'm a chicken running around with my head cut off... sometimes the littlest things get to me. Mostly April not listening. That really gets to me. When I have to tell her 4-5 times to stop doing something. Plus the whining is really getting to me. I can't think when I hear her whining bad. Not the normal whining, but the bad whining.

I am hoping that she will let me go back on it. I'm already back on the birth control. That has helped to a degree. But I can tell that my body is starting to adapt and change to it. My feelings are changing. The way I feel. It's helping, but I need something more.

Big Girl

April is using the potty more and more.... she took a nap yesterday and today and woke up dry. We're not putting any thing on her when we're at home. It seems to be working so far. She's telling us when she needs to go and she's holding it pretty well so far. I'm so proud of her. She counted to ten today too. I was playing a game and she counted to ten. She skipped 7 but everything else was in order. My little girl is growing up... she's talking a lot more. She's really developing now.

New goals and new sights

I have decided to get back to the gym. I have decided to really start working out. I have decided to really start caring. I have been careful. I haven't been splurging or over doing it. I've started relaxing with the working out though. And it's caught up to me again. So, now that we have gym memberships and Jason is paying for them, I feel like I have to go. That's a good thing :) I'll actually get up and go. I want to go. I do not want to be fat. It's un healthy. I hate it. Eating fast food makes me feel horrible. So, I'm back to going something about it. I have a few new goals too. That should help me. I'm looking forward to meeting them too :)

Where have I been?

Here I am. I haven't updated for a bit. I'm actually in the mood to blog so I'm taking advantage of it. I have to think what's gone on...this past weekend I was off. Sunday we went out to the farm. Let the dog and April run around. Saturday we went to the gun and knife show. We were going to go to the one in Sharonville but they were way way too packed. So we went to the flea market and went to that one instead. It was way cheaper anyways. Plus, we got to look at other stuff when we were done with the gun and knife show. It was nice getting out. Doing things together. I worked through out the week. Last weekend I can't remember what we did... I know I worked but that's about it... I think we went somewhere but not too sure :)

Let's see... work is going good. I get my permanent route tomorrow. I can't wait. We have important people coming in this week. Actually today and Friday I think. I have a lot of work to do on this route. The guy who is on it now claims that it's so hard to take care of. I don't buy it. I've covered for him a few times and yes it's rough but it needs to be kept up with. It's going to take a while. But that is ok. I can do it. Lot's of hard work. ♥

I'm trying this thing where I stay positive, but I stay to myself. I'm not depending on others to make me happy, I'm making me happy. There is a guy at work who claims that if you smile once every hour you'll be more happy. When I cover the route on his side of the building, this man makes me smile more than just once an hour. He's an older guy but he goes out of his way to make others smile. I feel awesome when I'm over there... so I'm taking that with me for the days that I'm not over there. Anytime I see some one who I talk to, I smile. The days that I smile and even laugh I feel great. I've also been taking my mood support again. It's awesome. But, you have to take it three times a day and every day... I can feel towards the end of the day if I haven't taken any or enough... I feel down. But...once I get insurance I'm going to the doctor.. I can't wait.

Well, off to work I go :)

Getting back in the swing of things.

Well, it's been a few months, and I have sort of let go of watching what I was eating. I did it on purpose and I didn't completely stop looking.... I just wanted to see if I could a while with out being so strict and always watching. I am glad to say that yes I can, because I did. But, I am not finished with my weight loss. I still have some more to loose. I think it's time that I get back into it. 40 pounds is great but, I would like to lose some more. Yeah, the size 9's that I just bought are still too big. I bought them because the 7's I thought were too small. But, once I got in the 9's and started moving around, they are too big. So, I need to go down to the 7. But I'm going to get back in the saddle. I didn't fall off the wagon, I just needed to see if I could do it. I'm very happy with myself that I can. So I move forward and accomplish another goal.