From about the time of puberty I noticed a change in myself. I looked at everything differently. I read differently. I watched differently, I even listened and spoke differently. At least in my mind. My mind always reminded me of the films that have the snips and the cuts from many different scenes. I got used to it. I learned how to deal with it.
In high school I noticed it getting worse. Again, I adapted. I struggled. I always struggled with the reading and the taking the time to write and discuss the material. Don't get me wrong, I love reading, and I love writing. But I haven't enjoyed it for some time now. I find it so hard to sit down and do something that I enjoy. Why? Why can't I sit down and enjoy something?
I'm all over the place sometimes. My attitude used to be so happy. I always wanted to help others, no matter what. Now, it takes everything I have to just focus on me. I constantly fidget. It drives me insane. It is little simple things. I have watched the same show series for several years... We're talking like 6 years... pretty much same time... same channel... All of a sudden I forget. No matter how hard I try, I can't remember that my favorite show comes on. Half way through the season it occurs to me that I haven't watched a single episode. I know it's nothing big. But the fact is, it bugs me. I have so many things going on in my mind that I can't even begin to think about how to separate anything.
The smallest things seem to set me off. I come home and find dirty dishes on the table and it pisses me off. But the fact that my daughter just threw my key less remote to my car in the water for who knows how long, doesn't even phase me. The fact that it's no longer working, fried most likely-nothing. I'm fine with it. Cool as can be. But the little things.... ugh.
Anyways, I'm hoping for some answers. I'm pretty sure I know what it is. I contacted my doctor and I'm hoping that she can get me in this week. I sure hope that this is an answer to an ongoing question... a question that I thought would never get an answer. A never ending question. It's caused so much stress and so much heartache in my life.
I always thought that it was me. That I had complete control and will power. I started to think that somewhere in my mind I was making me like this. I thought like I have for a very long time that it's been my fault. It's always been my fault. Even from those who should be loving me and helping me, tell me it's me. Why can't I change? I'm tired of being asked the question with no possible answer. Well, it's time now for me to get the answer.
