I was once the type to keep everything in. No one ever really wanted to know how I felt. No one was there when I went through the things that I went through. No one guided me and said hey I think something needs to change before it can't be changed. For the most part I grew up as an only child. That's the way that I think. That's the way that I was raised. So for me to change my thinking in a very short time span is almost impossible. I care about people even if they have done horrible things to me or to others. I have wasted so much time and energy being mad at others that it's easier to just deal with it and move on. I know that is much easier said than done. But like I said, I don't base my life around my emotions. I try to stay with reality and look at everyone's point of view. Sometimes I get wrapped up in emotions and I let my guard down.
One thing that I have learned is that people have to like me for me. I'm not changing myself for anyone. I have become some one who I am proud of finally. It's taken me years and lots of tears through anger and frustration. I'm still fairly young but the lessons that I've learned I will keep in my heart and mind for years to come. We all get dealt cards we don't like. I won't say sorry for things that I've done that I agree with. Does that mean I'm not sorry that it might hurt people? Of course not. I've had nothing but drama for the past few years of my life and it's time for it to go away. I'm tired of it, and I don't have the energy to deal with it anymore. Does that mean that I'm running away, no. It means that I deal with it, and I move on. I don't control any other person except myself. I've seen what can happen to a family that can't deal with things the right way and it's a shame. But I will not take the blame for another persons actions except my child.
I have heard things over the past few days that I hope no sister or daughter ever has to hear. The words cut deeper than any knife can ever cut into my heart. Will I hold that against anyone, maybe yes maybe no. I can't tell until I heal and move on. Like others in the world I hurt too. I was told to look away from myself for a moment and look at others. I've looked out for others way too long. I've done that for the past few years and I've put myself on the back burner to make others happy. Well I can't do it anymore. I stop caring about myself and I become a person that I don't like, and others don't like. I refuse to do that anymore. It will stop. Does that make me a selfish person? In some minds maybe, but I have to take care of myself and my mind, and my emotions so that my daughter has a mother to take care of her. I have had the not feeling wanted feelings and I've gotten over them and I have moved on. Yes I have a very dark past with things that I wish never happened. The physical scars may fade, but the emotional pain will never ever go away. But I didn't let it stop me.
I feel as if I have been put up on a pedastool and now that I've made a choice that others don't like I've been thrown off to the ground and I've had everything that I have inside kicked out of me and thrown on the ground. I know that everything that has happened in my life wasn't on purpose. But I have so much anger and pain still inside me that will never go away. I can't even describe this pain. It's like having some one throw your puppy out the window of a moving car and watching it fade in the distance as you drive away starring out the back window. That's the only way that I can even come close to describing it.
My pain will never go away. But I have chosen to put that pain away inside me to never be unlocked again. I don't talk about my past with too many people.. alot of it is family related and a lot of it's not. I'm sorry if this makes me look like a horrible person but I just want to make things clear, that I'm done with the drama. People both friends and family need to deal with problems in a way that works for them. I deal with my feelings and the way that I have learned as helped me over come many things. I am finally happy with some one in my life who has inspired me to do more than I thought that I could. I probably never would have gone to school if it weren't for Jason. Jason makes me so happy and makes me want to be a better person not for him, but for me. I do what I need to do to make me happy and that's what he pushes. He sacrifices things for me and our family and I love him more and more everyday. I only wish that people would get to know him before assuming things. People need to get to know me before assuming things.
I'm complicated and I will admit it. I have problems and I will admit them. But I will not be blamed for others unhappiness. I'm sorry but I can't carry the weight of that burden on my shoulders. I will not make it. I've held my tongue too long. I'm not bashing anyone or trying to make any one feel bad. That is not the purpose of this blog. This is how I feel and I'm saying it. If anyone doesn't like what I have to say then I'm sorry but I am who I am.
