Weekend...

This weekend was awesome... Jason came home Friday night. Went over to Chris's house and hung out for awhile. Saturday we headed over to Eden Park in Cincinnati and walked around for a bit. Boy was it hot. Jeff and Amber met up with us and we went to the Krohn Conservatory for awhile and walked around. I took lots of pictures . Then we headed over to Sawyer Point. We hung out there for awhile and walked. We let April play in the playground area and then walked down by the river for awhile. It was fun. After that we went and grabbed a bite to eat. Met back at Jeff's house and then headed to the drive in. We watched the new transformer movie which is awesome by the way... We headed home after that and called it a day. Got home around 1 in the morning... April did awesome at the drive in. I was so happy that she wasnt' screaming like the other kids that were there.

Today we headed to Woodland Mounds. We let April play in the splash park which was really fun, the water felt so good. She had a blast. We went into the nature center and walked around. Didn't walk to far because of all the walking that we did yesterday. My legs are killing me. Feels good to get out and wak but my legs hurt! After that, we met up with Jeff for a bite to eat and then headed over to his house for while and hung out for awhile.

Headed home for awhile and then we swung bu Chris's and enjoyed a nice fire. Now we're just relaxing, Jason heads out tomorrow. It's going to be sad, and I'm going to miss him but it'll be worth it in the end. He'll be home before we know it.

Over all it was a great weekend. I hate to see it end. April was great and we had a blast with her. She does great being out for a day. It was a long day for her yesterday but she loved it. She was always laughing and always smiling. She finally got one of her molars in. She is much happier and she's back to wanting to eat table food again. I'm so glad. I like being out and being able to give her food that we eat. It makes it so much easier... and now that she's on her sippy, it makes it easier too. She doesn't expect that bottle every so many hours now. She only gets milk twice a day now and that's what she has gotten used too. But she's been off the bottle and on her sippy cup now for about two months. She growls like a dog... it's so funny. She loves mocking. She'll watch me fif my hair and then she puts her hands up on her head. She says up...when you go to pick her up she'll say up. That's about it. I have way more updates but I don't really feel like into it, I'm pretty much done for the night lol.

WL Updaters

So, since my first post on the 14th I've lost 4 pounds and one inch off my tummy and my legs, and my arms. One inch isn't a whole lot but over time it'll add up. I've lost the 4 pounds over a course of this month not just since the 14th. I've lost more but it's been over the course of the past two months and I haven't been keeping track up until this month so I can't really base that off anything... But It's almost a total of ten pounds all together. They with females the first place it comes off is your chest...and it's the truth... I could use to lose some any ways up there... it makes it easier with fitting into clothes lol. But today was a measuring day and I have to say that I'm pleased. I have a long way to go, but I can do it. There is this app on facebook that's pretty cool. It's a virtual weight loss thing and you upload a picture and put how much weight you want to lose and it modifies the picture to see what you would look like, and it's pretty real. I look like I use to a few years ago almost dead on. It's more real than fantasy I would say. They give you something that's possible of achieving. Just more of the motivation that keeps me going lol. This weekend will be a test. I haven't smoked since last Thursday and I haven't really had pop. I did cave in the other night and have one but it's one in like 4 or 5 days I think... But Jason is coming home and it's going to be tough because he still smokes and he is a big pop drinker.... I know that I can have one here and there and it's ok but I'm still trying not to drink it period. I have goals to accomplish and I will dang it lol.

I found the light once again

I found the one who put the light back in my eyes,
I found the one who will hear me cry
I found the one who holds me tight
I found the one who surrounds me with Holy Water
I found the one who will never let go
I found some to call me his angel
I found the one to wash away the pain
I found the one who's near when I'm hurt
I found the one who I want to be lost with
I found the one who's kiss will seal our fate
I found the one who means the world and then some
I will watch my dreams come true with you
I've waited my whole life for this love that can't be broken
I've never been afraid of losing until you
You make everything wrong go away
You make things right
You feel my love when no one else can
You see me when everyone else refuses to
You know me when others don't
I'll wait for you on the other side of the door
when the time comes,
for your kiss sealed our fate that can't be broken
I've been hurt, but you make the pain go away
You've put the smile back on my face just when I thought it was gone forever
The love I feel is the love I've saved for you
No one else comes close
When no one else is there, you always come through
We've been though tough times and we're standing strong
Strong we'll stand forever
For our love can't be broken

So proud

I'm so proud of April. She has been walking back and forth between objects for a while now. Today she walked half the length of a room by herself with no help at all. She was so proud of herself, she turned around and smiled at me and started clapping her hands. She's become quite the climber also.... on top of things, under things, over things, through things...


I am also happy because I have another job interview tomorrow for another place that I submitted an application too. Can't wait..

WL Entry 2

Another update. I have seriously forgotten what it feels like to work out more than just once in a blue moon lol. I've been going strong and it feels great. My legs are burning but they feel good... my abs...yeah they're under their some where they are even feeling good... It's great. This is the first time in a long long time that I feel like working out and I look forward to it. I try to make it fun by switching things up and stuff. I even found a crap load of videos on you tube that are really good... I can pick the ones that I like and alternate.... My tummy feels tighter and it's a great feeling. No, nothing has shrunk yet but it just feels damn good. This whole low calorie thing is super easy too. I didn't think that it would be but it is. I actually caught myself looking at the calories of things in the grocery store today and we said no to some items today and it was a great feeling.. Even at the Chinese restaurant the other night it was easy. I had a water and no pop which felt really strange... but I usually do two plates at the buffet but this time we only did one.. and I took very small serving sizes of foods... the deserts were not too tasty..well at least mine were lol. So yeah.. I'm sticking to this damn it... It's already starting to become habit doing some of these new things so let's hope that they stick... When I weighed myself the other day I was two pounds lighter but I drank so much water that day that I can't base it on anything... we'll see on my next official weigh in day... Plus I did Tae Bo last night and that kicked my butt whoa... but Amber offered to do some with me which would be more fun than working out I think lol...

WL Entry

So I decided that I need to keep a blog of my working out and my weight loss journey. Not just updates but daily blogs. A lot of people have recommended it. I've already gotten some support for what I'm trying to do. It's something that I'm serious about. I know that I have said that plenty of times, but I have to keep to saying it so in a month or two I don't give up or start forgetting what I want to really accomplish. I have to stick to it. I have too. Anyways... so tonight I didn't think that I would actually get to work out because I was so tired. But I made myself get up and do it. I did pretty good tonight.I did the bike again for 25 minutes at 15 mph. I did my crunches and I even did some circuit training with weights. I feel great. The bike is getting easier. I put on some music and I just pedal away... According to my calorie burner I've burned like 628 calories today. Since I've started keeping track I've done over a thousand in a three days. I'm in my calorie intake range and I'm burning an okay amount. I don't want to burn to many obviously but I'm feeling good. I'm eating more fruit and veggies. It's turning out okay. I've switched from white bread to wheat which I never thought that I would do, but I am starting to like it. Plus my shake this morning let me go all morning after breakfast with out a single food craving. It was awesome. I can't even keep track of my water intake because I'm drinking it like crazy. Tomorrow is the day that I do a weigh in and I am measuring for the first time... I'm nervous but I know that the numbers won't stay like that forever.

A Mother's Child.

A mother's child is every breath that she takes,
walking hand in hand, they are every step that she makes.

And as their steps will grow to strides,
still a child, in mother's eyes.

Every ache and pain they shall feel,
mother will share and with love she will kneel.

She will pray to God to take care of her child,
to protect and guide them through every mile.

Her child is the very core of her soul,
from baby in arms to an adult they will grow.

For to a mother, her child will stay,
the precious infant she held that day.

The Angels Cry

On the day that you were born,
I know the angels cried,
To send away from them to me,
A most wonderful and delightful child.
For you have brought
Such joy to me,
And for this
I am so grateful.
But I know they miss you,
From around the Master's table.
I feel honored and blessed this day
To have you by my side,
For you, my child, my gift from God,
Have brought to me such peace and joy.
I feel I must confide,
My child, I can't thank God enough.

The things we go through

I've been through a lot of stuff in my life. A lot of drama. I've been misled by family when I was younger on certain things until I was old enough to understand. I can't feel angry over that. I think that it would have hurt more then to know the things that I know now. I've been through things that I would never wish upon anyone to go through. Because of things that I have gone through in my life, I have learned to deal with things a little differently. I have learned that when things rough, it will get better. When it rains, the sun will come out again. I've learned not to wrap my life around my emotions. I tried that long ago, and it almost cost me my life. I've been there when you think that it can't get any worse. Well, it can but only if you let it.

I was once the type to keep everything in. No one ever really wanted to know how I felt. No one was there when I went through the things that I went through. No one guided me and said hey I think something needs to change before it can't be changed. For the most part I grew up as an only child. That's the way that I think. That's the way that I was raised. So for me to change my thinking in a very short time span is almost impossible. I care about people even if they have done horrible things to me or to others. I have wasted so much time and energy being mad at others that it's easier to just deal with it and move on. I know that is much easier said than done. But like I said, I don't base my life around my emotions. I try to stay with reality and look at everyone's point of view. Sometimes I get wrapped up in emotions and I let my guard down.

One thing that I have learned is that people have to like me for me. I'm not changing myself for anyone. I have become some one who I am proud of finally. It's taken me years and lots of tears through anger and frustration. I'm still fairly young but the lessons that I've learned I will keep in my heart and mind for years to come. We all get dealt cards we don't like. I won't say sorry for things that I've done that I agree with. Does that mean I'm not sorry that it might hurt people? Of course not. I've had nothing but drama for the past few years of my life and it's time for it to go away. I'm tired of it, and I don't have the energy to deal with it anymore. Does that mean that I'm running away, no. It means that I deal with it, and I move on. I don't control any other person except myself. I've seen what can happen to a family that can't deal with things the right way and it's a shame. But I will not take the blame for another persons actions except my child.

I have heard things over the past few days that I hope no sister or daughter ever has to hear. The words cut deeper than any knife can ever cut into my heart. Will I hold that against anyone, maybe yes maybe no. I can't tell until I heal and move on. Like others in the world I hurt too. I was told to look away from myself for a moment and look at others. I've looked out for others way too long. I've done that for the past few years and I've put myself on the back burner to make others happy. Well I can't do it anymore. I stop caring about myself and I become a person that I don't like, and others don't like. I refuse to do that anymore. It will stop. Does that make me a selfish person? In some minds maybe, but I have to take care of myself and my mind, and my emotions so that my daughter has a mother to take care of her. I have had the not feeling wanted feelings and I've gotten over them and I have moved on. Yes I have a very dark past with things that I wish never happened. The physical scars may fade, but the emotional pain will never ever go away. But I didn't let it stop me.

I feel as if I have been put up on a pedastool and now that I've made a choice that others don't like I've been thrown off to the ground and I've had everything that I have inside kicked out of me and thrown on the ground. I know that everything that has happened in my life wasn't on purpose. But I have so much anger and pain still inside me that will never go away. I can't even describe this pain. It's like having some one throw your puppy out the window of a moving car and watching it fade in the distance as you drive away starring out the back window. That's the only way that I can even come close to describing it.

My pain will never go away. But I have chosen to put that pain away inside me to never be unlocked again. I don't talk about my past with too many people.. alot of it is family related and a lot of it's not. I'm sorry if this makes me look like a horrible person but I just want to make things clear, that I'm done with the drama. People both friends and family need to deal with problems in a way that works for them. I deal with my feelings and the way that I have learned as helped me over come many things. I am finally happy with some one in my life who has inspired me to do more than I thought that I could. I probably never would have gone to school if it weren't for Jason. Jason makes me so happy and makes me want to be a better person not for him, but for me. I do what I need to do to make me happy and that's what he pushes. He sacrifices things for me and our family and I love him more and more everyday. I only wish that people would get to know him before assuming things. People need to get to know me before assuming things.

I'm complicated and I will admit it. I have problems and I will admit them. But I will not be blamed for others unhappiness. I'm sorry but I can't carry the weight of that burden on my shoulders. I will not make it. I've held my tongue too long. I'm not bashing anyone or trying to make any one feel bad. That is not the purpose of this blog. This is how I feel and I'm saying it. If anyone doesn't like what I have to say then I'm sorry but I am who I am.

I only hope you can take the time to get to know the real me. I don't hug family except my daughter and Jason. I don't hug friends. It's not my style, I didn't have that growing up on a regular basis and it's taken me a while just to do it with Jason. I don't really say I love you except to Jason and my daughter and it took awhile just to say it to Jason. I didn't hear it growing up very much and I have issues with the words. That's not the type of person that I am. I don't show much concern on the outside, its on the inside. I do care, alot more than others may ever know. I'm ok with that because once you get to know me, you will know that. But this is what I have to say and I just want peace in my life for myself and for my family.

My little girl is 1 today

Well, today marks one year of April being with us. I can't believe how fast the time has gone. She's getting so big. She's clapping, climbing on and off couches, up and down steps, up and down her slides and so much more. She plays peek-a-boo which I love. She's been off the bottle for over a month now. She still sleeps through the night but so much better now, she slept in till 9:30 this morning which was surprising. She makes a drum out of anything lol. She dances to music. She's finally getting more hair in. It's starting to curl at the ends from where it's getting longer. She likes playing with the bigger kids. She had a ball with Curtis and the girls the other day when Amber and Jeff were over. She watches them and then tries to copy them playing. She's growing up. She gets her shots soon. I can wait for that lol, I hate seeing her cry. But it doesn't last long thank goodness. Last time we wieghed her she was 20 lbs which was less than a month ago. She's going to be tall. She loves being outside. She loves when we go walking or to the park. Things are changing. She's not a baby anymore... it's ok though because with number 2 we can do it all over again....

My Weight loss journey

Well, I've lost 7 lbs in the past few months with out really trying. I just happened to weigh myself one day and that's what I saw. I do feel better. I'm starting to try now though. We've been walking alot, and I mean like every day we go walking. We walked three miles today with grandma Pam. It feels so good to get out and walk more. When days go by that we haven't walked I feel different. I don't like it lol. I feel like I need to go out and walk. Last night I rode the bike for a while and soon I'm going to start my ab exercises back up. I stopped doing them and I wish that I didn't because now I have to get back into them. I'm watching what I eat and how much I eat. I'm cutting out a lot of sugars and crap that I don't need. I'm drinking more water. It feels good. I want to lose a certain amount and I know that I can do it. Once I lose a certain amount I think that it'll be enough. I've just got to get it off because my knees hurt and I'm tired of looking the way that I do. It's hard, but I know that I can do it. I want to do it. I want to get back to where I was before having April. I will do it dang it. School is almost over. Friday is my last day and then Monday is my final exam. I can't wait lol. But I get the summer off so I'm excited... well that's it for now. I'm excited for Saturday because we're having a small party for friends. We had the one with family last month and now we're doing friends. Grandma Pam is buying a cake and we're having pizza. April will get to play with the kids and have some fun. But tomorrow is cleaning day...

Words hurt more than you know

We can all say that we've been hurt a time or two by someone else's words. Sometimes the words are spoken out of anger, or on purpose. Sometimes they are said out of revenge. Sometimes however we don't realize the words that we say on a day to day basis can actually hurt too. Sometimes we try to prove a point with words to show how it feels when the tables are turned. Sometimes it doesn't always work out for the best. Sometimes the words that are said don't only affect the one being spoken too, but others too. Words hurt and sometimes it's the worst feeling in the world. It's sucks being told things when some one is trying to prove a point but really all the things that are being said are really being directed to the person being spoken too. Sometimes words makes us want to curl up in a ball and just cry. Sometimes they make us want to get angry and yell. Sometimes they make us want to say good bye to the world and just leave it all behind.

So the next time you speak your words to someone take a minute and think about how your words will affect someone in a way that you might not except. Some of us are more fragile than we appear or front. We all want to be strong, but sometimes we feel like we're dying on the inside trying to scrape up just a little more ambition or motivation to carry on for one more day. We have to look deeper inside ourselves to find what really matters to us the most just to carry on for one more day.

We all have hopes and dreams but sometimes we refuse to share those for the thought of them being smothered by words. Words of discouragement. Words of pity, and words of hopelessness. We have to take the good with the bad is what people say. What happens when the bad out weighs the good? What happens when we have to search more and more for the good but the bad seems to be searching for us? What do you do when you want to do nothing but just give up and know that you can't? Do we just put on a smile and pretend like nothing had happened? I think some of us do enough pretending and it's getting harder and harder to do it. What happens when we become afraid to speak good words due to fear or harsh words in return? Do we bother to try again? Should we? Words are apart of every day life. It's how we communicate. What happens when we stop that communication? Do we just fall apart? Or would we fall apart if the communication becomes false anyways? We never know what life is going to bring or is going to take away.

We spend to much time blaming others and fighting over nothing when instead we should be enjoying life and everything that it has to offer. We need to start taking the appreciation in things and in each other. Why is it so hard to say the words thank you and your welcome? It used to be taught in school that we say those words. Now we're lucky if a cashier at a store even says one word. A lot of times the words that we say can be mistaken for something else. Some people take our words and twist the meaning to make another meaning out of them and it's not always the right meaning.

We all say things to one another that we might not mean in a harmful way but others take it in a harmful way. Then there are those who feel like they have to express everything in words for those to see. I don't know why. I once told that the world doesn't care about everything I do. If the person really meant that, then why turn around and do the same thing? Maybe people are jealous? I don't know why people would be jealous of anything though. Jealousy is a word that should never have had meaning to begin with. It's a very unfair word. If one says that they are happy with what they have, then another person says it how is that being jealous? It's not. Jealous has a completely different meaning. It's more of wanting something that some one else has. I wouldn't trade what I have for what any other person has. I am happy with the life that I have and the people that are in my life. Words again can hurt people.

We tell some one a story that might make some one look bad if you don't know the whole story. We tend to hear one side of the story and assume that it's the correct and only side of the story. Sometimes we cast judgment on others. Am I quilty of anything that I have written in this blog, why sure. I am guilty and I'll admit it. Sometimes I am aware of what I say and sometimes I'm not. I don't always think things through before they come out of my mouth. I try but it doesn't always happen.

People mistake my personality and who I am for someone who I am not. I may come off as a bitch or some one with a bad attitude but then again unless you know the whole story how can make assumptions? I'm not defending myself in this or anyone else. I'm just writing about things that pop in my head and I just go with it. It does tug at my heart though when people think that they know everything and make their own judgment calls.

People need to get the facts before saying things that don't involve them. I've been through it a time or two just as everyone else has. I'm no different. But, I won't forget the painful words that peole have said on purpose when they thought others weren't listening. Word does get around and it's amazing to see who you can really trust when it comes down to it.

People say what goes around comes around. I don't know if I truly believe it or not. I would never wish harm on someone I didn't like. No matter who you are or what you've done to me. I'm not like that. If you think that I would ever wish that, then you don't know me and you have already judged me. Just an example. I've been hurt by alot of people but I still don't wish harm. I don't agree with saying the harmful words about others in a way that it makes myself look bad. I don't agree with bad mouthing people on myspace either. I think it's wrong and I think it's immature. That's my opinion. Will it stop others? No of course not, but it is up to us to decide how we want to take negative words. Most people might be offended. Some might ignore it, some might laugh. It's all about how you handle it.

One thing that I want to teach my daughter is how to treat others. Yeah some one might make fun of another but it doesn't mean that she has too. Just because we don't get along with some one doesn't mean that she will be allowed to speak bad things about them. Just because you don't get along with some one doesn't mean you have to let the world know. I think it takes way more energy to do that. If I feel the need to let out some frustration with some one I do it privately. There is no need to let everyone read it and know everything that is going on.

We've made some difficult choices in the past few months and honestly I wouldn't go back and change any of them. I am happy with them and I am happy where I am. Sometimes I wish hate words never came to mean the meanings that they do today. I don't see the good that racial slurs can bring, or any other bad words like them. I don't know... I'm pretty much done with my thoughts now.