It’s come to my attention....

It’s come to my attention that I’m better off than I thought I was. I now realize that there are many many little things in my life that I may take for granite. I have true friends and I know who those true friends are. I may not be the perfect friend myself, but I try. I try to be there for those who may need some one to talk to or vent to. I try to be one who understands. I then get into these binds where, I feel like I’m being over looked, or I’m not getting the same treatment back... and I bitch about it and complain. And after I’ve been a bitch and I’ve done my moping for awhile, I realize that I get my fair share of it every day. It’s all around me. I may not notice it, but it’s there. I’m cared for in maybe different ways than I expected. But I’m cared for. Thats all that matters.

I guess that I’ve thought it had to be something big. But I think the little things mean more to me now, than they ever have. I’m usually a happy person. I’ve come to learn over the past few years that you can’t give happiness to some one... you create it for yourself and the environment that your in also. It’s a mental thing. I have to be happy with myself in order to enjoy some one else’s happiness truly.

I’ve said it before, I don’t regret my past. I think that my past has made me into the person who I am currently and the lessons that I have learned I think help me comprehend things today. I may not be that old, I might not have traveled all over the world but I have had my fair share of things both negative and positive happen to me. Some things I wish didn’t happen... but it made me stronger in ways that nothing else could. We all grow up differently, but in a way the same way. We all grow up to be adults.. thats the same for every one. We can’t be little for ever. We all have different family situations. But we all come from a family.

My goal in life when it comes to my daughter and future children is to provide them with a family who cares about them. I want them to know that we may not be perfect but they are loved. That doesn’t mean that they will be spoiled and rotten. They will have to earn things just like every one else on this earth should have to earn things. I don’t ever want my child to think that I don’t care enough or that I did things to cause harm to them later in life. My child deserves to have a father who cares about her and loves her. I grew up with out a father for most of my teen and adult life and it’s very hard. I want my child to respect her father and she should. It’s harder for females some times to grow up with out a father than males. I’m not sure how males cope with it but I didn’t cope very well.

When our child is born, she’ll be the 5th generation alive in my family. Thats something big for us. Yeah we’re all females.... but still. It is very sad for me to think that the man who raised me as his own daughter (my grandfather) won’t be here to see my child. My views as a Christian have for sure changed over the years. I’ve drifted apart from the church and I have my own thoughts and beliefs. I do think that our loved ones who we have lost are aware of what is going on with us. I believe we go somewhere but, I’m just not sure where.

I know my boo boo cares for me as I care for him. He may show it differently than I was expecting, but he cares. He has his own version of the little things that he does. But one thing that caught my attention and made me feel bad for every negative thing that I have ever said to him was something that he did today. It was more what he said in I guess I would say my defense and our defense as a couple that really took my breath away. I couldn’t really say much about it, only because no one has ever "stood" up on my part and said some thing like that. I’m used to holding my own. It was nice to know that he would do it. I’ve never doubted that he would, I just never thought that he would ever have to.

So it’s come to my attention that the things that I may nit pick over and make a big deal about, aren’t really that big when compared to everything else that matters. It makes me feel good to know that the child inside of me, was created by some one with a true heart and a good soul. He may be hard and cold sometimes, but that hard and coldness sure means alot to me. And when he’s soft and kind he takes me breath away, he’s like an angel in disguise.