Sometimes I can't help but think what wo0u;d have really happened to my relationship if I hadn't left. What would have happened if I had stayed and waited things out. If I had stayed and waited it out I have a feeling that I know what might have happened. Or at least I tel myself that it would have ended that way. I can't seem to convince myself of any other way, but yet I still have questions in my mind to how it might have been different. What would have happened if I fought harder. How hard to do I have to fight. How many days do I have to be made to feel like crap because I'm not good enought or I didn't do something right.
I have been ashamed almost for the past 9 months for something that he did. He cheated on me. He lied to me. Why must I feel like the one who did something wrong? I'm not. I know that I'm not the one who betrayed the trust. However, am I claiming to be perfect? Of course not. I'm not perfect. I never once said that I was. But, I didn't mess up like like he did. To take ones voice away and squish them like a bug is a very cowardly act.
For one who can't even accept that they had any wrong doing can't even begin to start thinking about accepting the hurt that they caused. To make everything about them and still try to control things even though they can't, makes everything so much more stressful. To try and explain one little thing is like trying to play Jenga with your eyes closed and your hands tied behind your back. It is pretty much impossible.
I always had my doubts on the faithfulness. I always had the feeling. I shouldn't doubt myself when it comes to things like that. I have learned many things over the past 9 months. Many things. Some good, some bad. To sit here and go over everything I want to change or the things that I know I need to work on, that's one thing. However to actually get up and do something about it is another thing. I like that I need to focus on some things. I know that and I accept that. However I until I am ready to actually do it, all I can do is think about it. Then it occurs to me that I don't mind the way that things are, unless I start to think about them.
Sometimes thinking is over rated. I feel like some days I'm running on auto pilot. I don't really want to think sometimes. I just go with the motions. Some days I feel numb. Some days I feel angry. I never know how I am going to feel half the time. Sometimes I think maybe talking to someone will help. I feel almost like I'm past the talking point. I tried to move on so fast that I went into such a denial mode and not wanting to get caught up in the hurt and the anger that I kinda bottled it up. So, I have to deal with that. I have to deal with the fact that I'm angry. Recently he has made it very easy. The hurtful words, and the anger that he puts out through talking with him makes it very easy to be mad. For him to blame me for things with April makes me upset. He still has people wrapped around his little finger.
