~My world. My words~: April 2009

Everything always goes so well
But with the slip of the tongue it goes so wrong
Words are just words
But are like a dagger through heart when spoken with anger

You push and push
The tears come so easy
Too bad you couldn't see them
Your too busy trying to hurt me
If only you could open your eyes and really look
then you would see the tears running down my cheek

You think it's a game
For me its a choice
Do I stay or do I go?
I turn my head so you can't see
at night I muffle my face into the pillow so you can't hear
that what you say does indeed cause me pain

your words cut deep
deeper than any cut through the skin
the pain worse than a blade slicing through
why can't you open your eyes and see that when words hurt it's time to change

when words hurt they say it's time to go
people don't see though
they don't see the love that I have for you
the love that I have is real
why would you hurt me

I can take the words
I can take the pain
I can take the silence
I can take it all
except the tears you can't see.

We are all different. We all have feelings. We all interact differently to things and to people. We say things that might make us feel good at the moment in time. It might make us feel better afterward, it might not. We all try to prove our rights and beliefs. We all try to prove others wrong. There are always things that we would differently if we could. Rather it be words said or actions done. We are who we make ourselves to be. Our words and our actions define us. Some may look at you as kind, and others may not. We all have our reasons for things said and things done. We all misunderstand each other at least once in our life. We take little things and make them bigger than they really are. No one knows why we do the things we do...maybe it's the way we are programed, maybe it's from the things we went through as children, or things we have encountered through out our lives. When we get older I'm sure there will be things that we will one day regret. Either it be what we said or what we did, or who we hurt. I know I've hurt others in my past and others have hurt me. It's who we are. We do things that me don't understand at that time, do for the reasons we think are right. I firmly believe that our past had a huge influence on who we are today. I think however we have the power to change how we act and handle things. I am not the person who I was in high school. I've gone through so many things that I shouldn't of had to go through, and I don't wish that on any one. Not even my worst enemy.

Some people might not have that power. Some people have demons in their past that they can't control or get over. Thats ok. It makes us who we are. I think that if we want to be happy we have to tell ourselves that we want to be happy. There have been a number of people who has hurt me in the past and recently and it's ok. Words are only words. If I tell myself that the words don't mean anything then they don't. If I let them get to me then they will consume me. But again words are just words and we have to tell ourselves how to take them. I don't hate anyone. No matter what you say to me. No matter what you say about me. I have to just let the words roll on by. Thats what I do. But again I wasn't raised to hate people. I don't hate people. Even those who try to go out of their to hurt me. I'm not letting it get to me. I read words of hate and I smile. I smile because I know in my heart that everyone is indeed a good person. They may not show it all the time, but who does? I don't. I get angry at others. I say things I don't mean and soon as it comes out I wanna kick myself for saying it.

Having April has really shown me that there is so much to life. I want what's best for her of course. But I also want what's best for those all around me even if they hate me. I don't wish harmful thoughts to anyone. I'm not like that. I still ask about others and only wish the best for them. I only hope things work out for them and get nothing but better. We all have hard times. No one on this earth can say that they haven't. But we have our families to help us. We have our supports who ever they may be and I only hope that we can all support each other in some way or another. We all see things differently. I don't think that anyone can judge another until they've been there for themselves. I've forgave several people in my past for hurting me. It wasn't easy. I know many people who can't do that.

Does that make them any less of a person or a mother?? No. I have had several friends who hurt big time by past family members and ex's. Maybe one day they will forgive each other, maybe they won't. Maybe they weren't meant to forgive each other. Yeah the bible says to forgive each other but what if it's more than just that. What if you can't find it in your broken heart to forgive..should you go to hell for that?? I think not. What if you don't want too? So then don't do it. Hell it took me years to forgive my mother for what she did to me.

I'm still finding out things that she did and it's ok. I was able to do it. Should I get an award? No. It was something I chose to do. I didn't have to do it. I saw pain that others were going through and it occurred to me that it was affecting my family and my sisters in a bad way. I used my daughter and my sisters as my motivation to forgive her. What she did was horrible. My older sister had the same luck too. I may never meet her because of my moms actions. Thats something that I have to live with. It sucks. I hope that she dealt with the things that happened because of my mom a lot better than me. She might not even know what my mom did. People say what my mom did was unforgivable but some how I did it. Maybe I wanted to prove them wrong.

We are so different from each other but alike in so many ways. All we want is to be loved and felt needed. We all want happiness with our lives and our families. Why should we let anything stop us? Why should we let little things get in the way? We have a bad day, so what...why let it get to us? Why let others hurt us? Because we're humans. We hurt others and ourselves sometimes. It sucks. I know like I said before I've hurt others and do I feel good about it? No.

It took me over a year to get back in touch with a really good friend because of a falling out. We've had so many before but thats who are...we always got back.... and I hope we did again. Hopefully for good. I wish I could do that with others but I can't. It has to be a two way street to get back with some one. If the road is closed then I can't go down that street. That road might be closed forever...and that's ok because like I said it takes two. It's not something that was meant to be. I'm not the snobby bitch that I may come off to be. I was nicknamed the Bitch in my neighborhood in jr high and high school and it was kinda funny because once people really got to know me they always wanted to know why that was my nickname.

We all look at others and are so quick to judge. I don't think it's fair to anyone. How do we really get to know others if we do that to everyone. I know people who make fun of others and talk alot of shit about people and things but I know that's not who they really are. I know they are kinder than that. I've seen it. I know they help others and I know they get walked all over by some one in there life at least once in their life and it sucks. It sucks hard core. I know I have walked over people before as they have done it to me and yeah I know it sucks. I hate the fact that I have done it to others. It sucks. So do I expect it to stop? No. I have walked over others before not even knowing it because I failed to open my eyes. Sometimes you have to open them for me. If no one asks for help and no one can see you need help then how can any one help you? I used to be like that, actually I still am. I hate asking for help because I want to be able to do it on my own. I don't want some one to come in and help me fix whatever is wrong. That shows weakness and I know it's not true.... I know that if some one needed help that I pray they would ask. Even those who hate me. I am not perfect. I do not claim to be. Hell I am far from it. I just want to live my life in peace and have peace around me. I want others to be happy even those who hate me, or don't get along with me. We're all human. Do I ask for forgiveness from anyone? Sure. Do I give it? Yeah. To those who I have hurt knowing and those who I hurt not knowing. Things happen for a reason. I do know that. Not once do I try to put others down. Some people have said some things about me recently that I could have let get to me, but I chose not too. I chose to smile and just go on about my business. After finding out what was said, I could have wrote things back or about those people but I didn't. Where is it going to get me? No where. It won't make me feel good. I would feel worse after saying it. But then when people read things I write on here, they don't always know all the details. Like the fact that my daughter can roll to her side on the changing table when she grabs on to the side and pulls herself. She's far from doing it on her own. Maybe I should have been more clear. Thats my fault. No she can't do it on the floor or the bed. Sure she can grab our fingers and roll up on to her side for a few and then flops back down. I've had several people say hey thats great she can roll over, but no that's not the case. I wish she could but no she isn't to that stage yet. She'll get there when she gets there. I've had others criticize me, and sure I guess I deserve it for not making it clear.

It sucks that we react to things the way we do. I lost a great friend last year and it sucks what happened. I really felt that talking to her parents this past week and not being able to talk to her anymore. No more texts, no more hanging out, nothing. No more working together. I don't think I would be where I am right now if we had stayed friends. Sometimes things just suck so bad the way they work out. They really do. I gave up my best friend to be where I am right now. I miss her like crazy. Maybe one day she can accept what happened, maybe she won't. My heart seriously aches when I think about all the good times that we had together. That goes with all my friends. I miss my A team like crazy. But they have moved on. I miss my Felicia and I miss my Meisha Boo, I miss people I grew up with who I haven't seen since I moved out of Tipp like Stephie and Erica and Amanda. I made new friends the past few years and I've lost friends. It happens but it sucks. People move, and people change. It doesn't change what you felt and the fun and the memories you had. It shouldn't. I learned how to do new things these past two years and it was a great time. I'm sorry that it ended with certain people the way it did. It sucks. Hard core. If I could go back and change it I would.

Okay...I think I am all vented out.. Plus my hand hurts like crazy. Two long ass blogs in a row....

~My world. My words~

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

my pain

I close my eyes

Tiny little fingers

April Lynn

Love

In my daughter's eyes

Who we are